A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . .

a big nerd like me became a closet Star Wars fan. Yes folks, the saga has ended with the release of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. To say I have waited a long time is an understatement. I was three and a half when Star Wars: A New Hope was released in 1977. Yes, I saw it. Yes, I loved it. And Yes, I saved my Star Wars action figure proofs of purchase to get the Boba Fett action figure.


So, I went an saw Episode III three times already, just to get all the nuances I may have missed. Let me say this - it was freakin' awesome. Everything I expected in this film happened. The action was intense and the saber battles were incredible. Of course, George Lucas is not the best dialogue writer, especially for love scenes. He needs a lot of work in that department. Sadly, Amidala kinda becomes wimpy in this movie. She goes from badass in Episodes I and II to a damsel in distress in Episode III. How is this the woman that took back her own castle in the Phantom Menace and whooped ass on Geonosis in Attack of the Clones? Sure, she's pregnant and all, but even my mom could kick a little ass when she was pregnant with me.

By the way - Yoda kicks ass. The little green guy just knows the score and takes care of business. Plus, judging by the laughter in the theatre, he has some kind of wookie girlfriend (explanation: Yoda says, as he is set to go save the wookie homeworld, "Good relations with the wookies have I." The audience always erupted in laughter at that line. Likely, many of these audience members have good relations with their hands, since they know not the touch of a woman. C'mon guys. It's Yoda and he talks backwards. No need to read your own sexual desires into the dialogue. If you want to have sex with a guy in a wookie suit, go to a furry party. Don't mess with Yoda.)

Darth Vader comes to be. This is the moment we had been waiting for since learning that he was Luke's father in Empire Strikes Back. We all took the same gut punch that Luke took. "Why did Ben Kenobi lie to us?" Well, as you watch Anakin's decent into darkness, you sort of understand how it happened. No, I don't feel pity for Anakin. I just understand how he came to be Darth Vader. However, some dialogue (or maybe deleted scenes) are needed to make it easier to take when Anakin goes from bringer of justice (in his mind) to slayer of Jedi.

Some questions remain unexplained: Why do Obi Wan and Yoda disappear when they die? Why didn't they erase R2's memory too? Where did Obi Wan come up with the name Ben? George - tell us you have some deleted scenes, please.

Now, the original trilogy is still the best, but I am not like the complainers who claim Lucas destroyed his story with the little boy who would be Darth thing. Did I think Episodes I - III were classic cinema? No way. But I loved them because I was in a galaxy far, far away with Jedi (plural - just like moose - one moose or two moose). Jedi are the coolest characters. They get a light saber and powers of the force. We have an awesome story told in six parts. Maybe you didn't like Jar Jar. But, I don't see you writing an epic story like this. However, I am on your side on some things after watching the trilogy on DVD. 1) Greedo shooting first - this is bullshit. I like the fact that Han shot first. He was getting rid of guy who was trying to kill him or turn him in. 2) The exploding ring around the death star - that is just showing off for Lucasfilm. 3) The Ewoks - Did Lucas digitally multiply them in Jedi? Jesus, they are like fleas. 4) The ghost scene at the end of Jedi - Luke looks and sees Ben, Yoda, and the young Anakin? What the fuck? I dig Hayden Christiansen (except when he does love scenes), but what was wrong with Sebastian Shaw (the old guy playing Anakin as a ghost)?

I thought about what I would do if I lived in this galaxy and had those powers. I would never have been able to be a Jedi. I wouldn't use my powers the right way. And I would use my lightsaber to open mail, pop beer caps off, and keep the Black Knight at bay. It would be an awesome power and that is just the weapon. Now imagine having the force. You could do some sinister things to improve your life, such as obtaining money from the bank ATM, convincing a girl that she doesn't need to wear all those clothes, and even force blast people out of your way. But, I could never be a Sith either. Being evil all the time sucks. Not only that, but everyone is after you. I say you should just stay off the radar and take care of yourself. That's what I would do.