Short Stories and other Idiocracies

Over the years, I have written short stories, mostly because of creative writing courses. They started out as random mutterings, but have evolved over the years into personal reflections on my life or on where I want my life or just funny stories (at least I like them). They sit in a computer folder call "Me Fail English? That's unpossible." Yep - a line from a Simpsons episode defines my literary talent (or lack thereof). So, without further ado, I post one of my stories here:

FAITH

“Are you their God? I need help,” I prayed, “I am graduating in four weeks and I am completely clueless. What am I supposed to do?” I really was clueless. What was I going to do with a biology degree? Grad school? It was a possibility.

Isn’t funny how when we are in deepest need or saddest times, we call on God to be there? When things are going well, we hardly say a word to Him. And when we feel cheated or hurt, we blame Him for what is going on around us. Not once does God ever argue back, punish us, or do anything other than love us all the more. I never gave much thought to that, but when I look at it, who else would take the shit with throw at Him and still be there for us.

“What can I do for you Nick,” asked a voice.

“Who’s there,” I responded.

The voice bellowed, “You ask if I am here and say that you need help. Then you ask who is talking back to you.”

“God,” I inquired, not really sure that I wanted an answer.

“Last time I checked, but then again I don’t really need a mirror,” laughed God.

“Holy shit, I’m fucking losing it,” I thought.

“No, you are doing just fine. Your language is a little rough, but I think I can handle it,” God replied.

Ordinarily, I never believed those kooks on the street or even preachers who claim that God has spoken to them. Now, here I am, conversing with someone who says He is God. I have lost my mind. Or, I am way too drunk for my brain to function normally. What’s worse is that I am just hearing a voice all around me and can’t see anyone.

“Is this better,” asked God, as he took form, looking surprisingly a lot like me and the other students at Bryant College.

“Who the hell are you,” I shouted.

“Okay, let’s clear all this up right now. I’m God, pleased to meet you,” He said as He stuck out His hand.

My mind went blank and I froze. A few seconds later, I shook His hand. He was real. I mean, when I shook His hand, there was flesh and bone there. Was I really meeting God? Had I had a mental break? Why was God here?

“Nick, I will answer your questions in due time,” God said, “But first, we have a chemistry class to go to.” He winked at me.

“You’re going to go to my class,” I inquired.

“Why not,” God replied, “I haven’t visited Earth in quite a while, not since the French Revolution.”

“You’ve been here before,” I asked?

“You really need to read that book about me from time to time,” He chuckled.

When are you face to face with God, inevitably, you will look and sound like an idiot. I think I just won first prize in the “Sorry God, I’m An Idiot Contest.” Despite my confusion, I grabbed my bag and God followed me to class. We got to the chem lab and sat down. My friends noticed my new friend in tow and came over to talk to us.

“Nicky, who’s your friend,” asked Shelly, my friend since freshman year who caused my heart to melt whenever she spoke.

I was struggling to think of an explanation, but I was interrupted.

“I’m Adam, Nick’s relative from out of town,” said God.

“Cool man. Where’re ya from,” asked Kyle, my neighbor from down the hall.

“Everywhere really,” God smiled.

“Military brat,” asked Paul, one of my roommates.

“Adam, this is Shelly, Kyle, Rob, and Paul,” I interrupted, introducing everyone to God (as if he didn’t already know).

“Pleased to meet you,” said God.

Okay, God is in my chemistry class and He has just met my friends. He probably already knew their names and everything about them, but He went on as if He was just a regular person. I prayed for guidance about my life after graduation and the Almighty Himself makes a house call. There are billions of people in the world and God just stopped by to say hello and answer my prayers directly? I don’t think so. I saw “Oh God” and “Dogma;” something’s up. After class, all of us, including God, went to the Union for lunch.

“I love grilled cheeseburgers. I don’t usually get to eat them because I am traveling so much,” explained God.

“Where do you travel? I mean, what do you do,” asked Rob.

“I do a lot of missionary work, spreading the word of God, meeting people,” God said.

“You’re not one of the religious nuts like Bible Dan the Preacher Man, are you,” asked Shelly.

“The guy who goes around college campuses and tells the students that they are going to burn in hell? No, I’m just interested in talking about faith and learning about people’s views on God,” He responded.

“You just like hearing what people think,” Shelly asked.

“Sure, how can you learn if you don’t ask,” He said.

“It’s all a load of shit. Religion and God, who needs that stuff,” sneered Paul.

I was afraid. Was God going to smite my friend Paul while he scarfed down a cheeseburger? This couldn’t be good. I imagined how I would explain to Paul’s dad why his son suddenly was stricken with leprosy. But it didn’t happen. God laughed. He let Paul just spout about religion. He listened as Shelly talked about Catholic school. He told jokes. He talked about religion and Christianity and holy wars. We were enraptured with His stories. I realized that Paul was not going to be destroyed, that God was pleased with him, with all of us. We spent hours in the Union talking and laughing and sharing stories and viewpoints. My friends thought “Adam” was cool. I walked with God back to my apartment.

“Shelly’s a very cute girl, isn’t she,” God asked.

“Um, ya, she is,” I replied, totally confused.

“Did you ever take her out,” He inquired. “If you haven’t, you should do that,” He added.

“Why didn’t you strike Paul down for what he said,” I asked, wanting desperately to change the subject.

“Nick, of all the gifts I have given to everyone, I think my best gift was free will. The choice to do something or not. The freedom to do whatever. To believe in me or to not believe in me,” He responded.

“But don’t you love us,” I asked. I was confused but yet I found myself accepting more and more that this was God.

“Of course I do. That’s what I do. I love each and every one of you,” he said.

“But what about evil people? What about other religions? Why, if you love us, do bad things happened in the world,” I spouted.

“Nick, there is no simple answer to that. I certainly can’t reveal my entire plan to you. You are not ready for that. I can say this to you – I love everyone, regardless of whether they return that love, and not every bad thing that happens is a bad thing, just as not every good thing that happens is a good thing,” He replied.

I am more confused than ever. God and I talk more and more. He asks me about Shelly, almost prodding me to do something. He asks me about my biology major and shares with me some things I would never learn in any biology class. I am also awestruck by how much He listens while I talk and talk. He never shuts down a question. I am asking things at a million miles a minute. He is not encrypting His messages, but sometimes, He could not answer my questions in a way I could understand.

“You’re wondering why I am here, aren’t you,” asked God.

“Well, the thought did cross my mind,” I replied.

“I have a mission for you,” He stated simply.

“This isn’t like the movie ‘Oh God’, where I have to go out and tell the world that you exist and that humanity can make it work,” I replied.

“That was an interesting movie. I told John Denver he should take the part,” God said, “But no, I have something different for you.”

“Do I get special powers, like parting the ocean or turning a stick into a snake,” I asked excitedly.

“You already have all the powers you need,” He stated in a paternal manner.

“What do I have to do,” I asked.

“You do not have to do anything. You have a choice, remember,” He said, “but if you choose to, I would like you to consider becoming a pastor.”

“A pastor,” I grimaced. He wants me to become a religious guy.

“You prayed to me for guidance. I am presenting you with an option,” He stated.

“How could I be a pastor? I don’t know anything,” I said.

“You know all that you need to know,” He replied.

Then I asked, “Why me?”

To which God smiled and said, “Why not?”

God and I went back and forth for hours. Kyle and Rob came over and joined in the conversation. Of course, they only knew him as Adam, not God. We all talked for hours.

“I’m hungry. Let’s order pizza,” suggested God.

“Pepperoni, no mushrooms,” Kyle shouted from the bathroom.

I found it weird that God ate. He’s God. Why would He need food? Let me tell you this, God has a big appetite. He ate a whole pizza by Himself. He even drank beer. This was a far cry from the God I read about in the Bible and certainly not what we were taught about in church. It was getting late when we finally wrapped things up.

“Nick, you’re able to take me to the airport tomorrow morning, right,” asked God?
“Yeah sure,” I said, stunned by the request.

“Hey man, when are you coming back,” asked Rob.

“I never know where I may end up, but I will try to come back and visit Nick again soon,” God replied.

Everyone left, and God and I sat at the kitchen table.

“Think about what I asked you to consider,” said God as He faded from view.

“Always the showman,” said a female voice.

“Who are you,” I yelled.

A beautiful, blonde girl appeared before my eyes. “I’m Evelyn, but you can call me Eve,” she said in a sultry voice.

“And who are you,” I asked.

She replied, “I am many things and I go by many names.”

“Satan,” I stated matter-of-factly.

“Not my favorite,” she said coldly.

“Why are you here,” I demanded.

“Don’t you listen to the big guy. Free will,” she said, “I certainly don’t want you to make a decision without all the information.”

She came up behind me and began to massage my shoulders. She whispered in my ear and decided that we needed to go out to a bar.

“So, this is my temptation,” I inquired.

“Such a simple creature,” she replied, “This is your opportunity. Why would you ever want to become a pastor? There is so much more for you out there.”

“Is this where I sell you my soul,” I asked.

“I haven’t worked that way in a long time,” she said, “I am going tell you a few things and answer a few questions.”

“Why me,” I asked

“Humans. You all think that there is some grand purpose as to why you are in any given situation,” she explained, “But simply put, I told God that He could never answer a prayer directly and have things work out in His favor.”

“You made a bet with God,” I said.

She smiled, “Well, not really, but if you want to look at it that way, it suits me just fine.”

“You talk with God,” I asked. I had so many questions about how God and Satan interacted.

Again, she smiled, “The whole balance of good and evil argument might sum it up, but here’s the thing. I was there with God from the beginning. Before the earth, before man. The one angel above all others. He loved me best, until He began creating things and creatures and mankind. I was His special creation, along with all the angels and hosts of Heaven. For some reason, He had a change of heart. Man became His all-consuming passion. You all could do nothing special, but you are His favorites. I was angry and made it known. So, He tossed me out of Heaven. And yes, that did bother me. But, you see, I have a greater chance to interact with God’s special creatures. I am down here with you, showing you all the things that you have questions about.”

I am sitting in a bar with Satan talking about the nature of God and humanity. She is so attractive that my thoughts begin to wander. I want her so bad that I can feel it, almost taste it. She knows this too and touches me. Drinks keep flowing. We go back to my apartment. My heart tells me to hold fast and not succumb to Satan’s tempting beauty. My groin, however, seems to be in charge right now. Back at the apartment, she and I eat cold pizza and drink a few beers. She leans closer to me and kisses me with the deepest passion. A little too late, I notice that she has unbuckled my pants and has brought me to full attention.

“Stop,” I shouted.

“What’s the matter? We’re just having a little fun,” she said.

I am flustered and confused. “I can’t do this.”

“Damn,” she muttered. “Well, I feel so unsatisfied. Tell me Nick, whatever are we going to do now? Drown ourselves with South Park reruns,” she continued.

“You came here for a reason. Tell me what you’re doing here,” I demanded!

“Okay, let’s go,” she commanded.

We go out for a walk and discuss things for quite some time. She tells me that I have a promising career as a biochemist.

“You could discover the cure for cancer, or develop new agricultural chemicals to increase worldwide food production,” she said, “You would be rich beyond your wildest dreams; everyone would praise you.”

“At what cost,” I asked.

“Do you really want to spend your life devoted to God,” she responded, “Shepherding people who could care less about being in church, who whine and complain about every aspect of their miserable lives.”

“Better to reign on earth than to serve in Heaven, huh,” I retorted.

“How quaint. Yet another theology lesson from a small-brained fool,” she said angrily.

“Where’s the temptation? Insulting me certainly doesn’t help your case,” I said.

“You sound like He did in the desert,” she sneered.

With that, she showed me my life ten years from now. I am at a press conference announcing my research results with the cancer cure. Media hounds are everywhere. I am meeting with world leaders, going on book tours, and all sorts of glory and praise follow me everywhere. I have a beautiful wife and three children. My home is huge. All of this is great. I have everything I would ever want and I am helping the world.

“What do you think,” she asked.

“Sounds tempting, but there is always a catch,” I responded.

She nodded, “I do you a favor, you do me a favor.” Her tongue grazed my ear as she spoke

“What favor,” I asked, moving her hands from my lap.

“You need only reject God. And why shouldn’t you? He could stop disease, war, famine with the wave of His hand. Yet He sits there. He wants blind faith and gives you no answers. He leaves things to chance. Nothing is given to you. You have to earn it all. He wants you to love Him out of fear,” she explained, “I do none of those things. You want it? I will give you. You have a problem? I’ll fix it. I already love you and expect nothing in return. ‘Do what you want.’ That’s my motto.”

“Maybe the reward of Heaven isn’t revealed to us because then we might lose free will,” I stated.

“Or maybe Heaven ain’t that great,” she said as she faded from view.

I walked back to the apartment. Kyle is over and he asks me about the hot blonde that I was talking to at the bar. I say that she is just some girl that I met. He is disappointed that I don’t give more details. I go into my room and Adam’s form comes into view.

“Interesting night,” said God.

“Yeah, I guess,” I replied. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone, even God.

“The decision is not going to be easy. You have an interesting offer from Lucifer. You would be doing something wonderful for the world,” he explained.

“You’re okay with that,” I yelled.

“It’s not my choice Nick,” he stated, “You make your own destiny. I have given you all the information you need to make your decision.”

“Why are you and Satan making a bet for my soul,” I asked.

“Nick, it’s not a bet, more of a challenge. I don’t gamble for souls,” he said.

“Sure sounds like a bet to me,” I said.

“Things are not always what they appear to be,” he replied with a grin.

“You still talk with Satan,” I asked.

He sighed and said, “Lucifer was my special angel. An angel above all others. But like you, I gave angels free will. The more Lucifer learned and experienced, the less he chose to follow me. But with all things, good and evil are opposite sides of the same coin. I can’t have that, as you well know. I sent him on his way and he went on to do his thing” “I do enjoy talking to him, though” he continued, “He’s very witty, and often quite comical. Sometimes, I even learn a thing or two from him.”

The theological impact of this rang through my head. I asked for this situation with a simple prayer. I would never know what was in God’s mind, but I did know that my decision carried some importance if it brought the powers that be into the picture. I had so many questions about what to do and when I would see God again. I struggled to speak.

"God," I sputtered.

"Yes," he replied.

"Why are we here," I managed to ask over the lump in my throat.

The look on God's face was stoic. I thought maybe I had stepped over the line and offended him. Then he smiled and said, "Because I love you and you give me joy."

I had no response, but those words filled my heart more than anything ever said to me.

“Good bye Nick. Good luck with your decision.” God smiled and disappeared.

In the days that followed, I thought a lot about my meetings with God and Satan. I asked my friends a million questions. People thought I had gone around the bend.

“You thinking about what,” Rob asked, almost laughing as he said it.

“I was thinking about studying theology at Trinity College in the fall,” I said.

“We’re graduating in two weeks. We’re done,” Paul added.

“Why theology,” asked Kyle, “you’re a biology major. I thought you were going there for your Masters in biochemistry.”

“I don’t know. I was talking with Adam and I really thought about it after all we had been talking about,” I responded.

“Adam was cool and all, but why would you want to spout that religious muck to a bunch of foolish, guilt-ridden people for the rest of your life,” Paul retorted.

This went on for a while. Paul and Rob left to grab some food for dinner. I thought a lot about what they said. What did I know about preaching to people? I was no one special, just a kid from California who thought that biology was a great course of study. I wasn’t super-religious, and I didn’t always go to church. God comes to me and asks me to lead people in faith. I had to be out of my mind.

“Hi sweetie,” said a female voice from behind.

“You need something Eve or are you here to offer me something,” I questioned.

“Would it make your decision easier,” she replied, “I can always sweeten the deal. More money? Three girlfriends instead of a wife?”

“Why me? What makes me so special,” I demanded.

“Why you? Why you? Get over it Nick. He picked you for some reason only He knows and I have to make sure you make the informed choice,” she said.

“Somehow, I doubt your motives,” I countered.

Eve slinked over to me. She was dressed like Marilyn Monroe. She whispered into my ear, “And somehow, I doubt yours.” She left in a puff of smoke.

“Always the showman,” I thought to myself.

I couldn’t begin to grasp everything that I had seen and heard, but I knew I had a serious choice to make. The one thing I thought a lot about was what would happen if I chose my own path, one different from what God and I talked about and different from the one Satan offered. I was still thinking about it all as I got my diploma from Bryant. I had no clue what my own choice would be, until I realized that I always had my own choice. Three months later, I had packed my car up for my trip to Trinity College in Iowa. The road was long and somewhere near Nebraska, it began to rain.