Guest Blog - Snowmantics -or- How to Entice a Woman to Love You Throught the Art of Snow

From time to time, I like to let my friends guest author my blog. This blog was written by Benjamin Miller of Glen Ellyn, Illinois. (I take no responsibility for spelling, grammar, or content.)

Snowmantics, or “snow-romantics” as some earlier history books call it, has been around since the rise of the Pax Romana. Julius Caesar, or “the father of Snowmantisism” as he is more commonly called, created the first snow-sculptured heart, a feat only Leonardo Da’Vinci could replicate after extensive years of trial and error. In the original manuscript written by William Shakespeare, Mark Anthony says “Romans, fellow countrymen, lend me your ears, I am not hear to praise the father of Snowmantics, I am here to bury him”. Unfortunately later revisions cut out this crucial fact in history. But it was not Julius Caesar that started this pandemic of snowmanticitous infecting this world, oh no. It was another man, a man so bold that he took Snowmantics to the next level. This man had a vision, a dream, this man is an artist, an author, this man is Ben Miller.

Now, Why, you say? Well, as the only certified snowmantic instructor I feel privileged to teach all you perspiring…I mean aspiring Snowmantic blue belts the ways of the sensei. But before you seduce that special woman with a heart felt saying in the snow, we must first go over some rules and guide lines.

Types of snow

- White Snow (normal)

- Yellow Snow (not normal for obvious reasons)

- Red Snow (Usually the result of a not so lucky animal)

- Black Snow (Usually dirt or dare I say…)

- Rainbow Snow (Rare in most parts of the world, this type of snow only appears in the late days of July)

The use of different types of snow in different areas of your message or work of art gives the masterpiece a sense of brilliance and will add to the overall effect on the viewer. For example, if you wanted to create a sun, you wouldn’t use white snow, the use of yellow snow would bring life to the otherwise dull look of a white picture. Also, a Santa can easily be made with a skillful mixture of red and white snow. If you are looking to create a magnificent sunset all you need is the red, yellow and black snow. To create the full affect of a sunset, first mix the yellow and red snow to make orange snow, do the same for the red and the black…yes they will make purple. If any of these colors are not on hand, try Ebay for rainbow snow, which solves all problems (just like duct tape). But the use of colors also has a darker side, and no, I am not talking about midnight snowmantic pranks. The over use of colors can actually detract the “Wow factor” of your desired message to your significant other. Most amateurs go for the A+ but instead over use that yellow snow.

Now, snow color is just one factor in the ways of Snowmantics, the use of “slush” for lack of a better name and a mental picture, can be just as versatile. But that’s not the subject of this paragraph, o no, who ever thought that was my next subject, well….YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D! Yes that’s right, punk’d. Now I know what your thinking “ok lets just get to the next subject” so for all the people out there who wont let me go on and rant about stuff, hears the real subject of this paragraph. To cause, I mean spare confusion I will indent twice to signal the real first sentence of this paragraph.

(once) (twice)

Now that you have your color of snow picked out and gathered from various places around town its time to choose a “font” to write your message in. From writing a love poem to go along with snowman sculpture to signing your name under a snow version of “Water Lily Pond” by Claude Monet, The choice of Font is crucial to the “enticing” part of Snowmantics. Your font choice for a lover might go as follows.

What Is Love?

Love is a shy smile,
a sweet hello,
a soft caress...

Love is two hands entwined,
a lingering kiss,
a swelling of the heart...

Love is undeniable,
unforgettable,
unimaginable,
and what every heart yearns for...

A French script might do well for this poem, but I must warn you, from experience, being a dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem doesn’t make you romantic, it’s the dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem written (in snow) with a dashing, romantic font that makes you dashingly romantic, or for a more professional term, Snowmantic. As you can see, font is what makes love not the poem, for example, same font as above:

If I Created the Alphabet I would put U and I together - As you can see, its utterly snowmantic!

If you are looking for something more than just a really cool poem, or a million dollar replica of a work of art try building a sculpture. Maybe a snowman and a snowwoman holding hands….awww how cute.

If holding hands and making up words like snowwoman is not for you try doing what good O’l Charlie Brown did, or rather Julius Caesar did, make a heart (with red snow of course!). If none of these things seem to fit your personality your probably not a very snowmantic person. But don’t worry because I have a fail proof, school appropriate sculpture for you. I know what your thinking, “Wow thanks Ben, your amazing” and so I say, “ Your very welcome, (Name)”. I will now unveil my sculpture idea for the world……A pair of shoes! But don’t forget the crucial caption “I will buy these for you if you go to homecoming with me”. I cant stress enough about not forgetting the caption. Without it, its just shoes….and a lot of angry woman.

Snowmantics is not about angering woman, its about sending their hearts a flutter with a subtle message of love and a sculpted rose to show her how much she means to you, how much you care. Snowmantics is not just a way for a man to express his love for a woman, it is an art, an art I hope you all who are reading this will perfect. Snowmantics is poetry, it is a never ending fairytale of Snow White (hehe, SNOW white, get it?) and a lesser known fairy tale “ Of the palace of the snow queen and what happened there at last” by Hans Christian Andersen (again snow…not funny, tough crowd…..it was the only other fairy tale I could find, give me a break). Just remember, Snowmantics is a way of life, live it and follow its path and your life will be fulfilled, and if you abuse it, it will be gone by summer (how do you like that for justice!) As one former Snowmantics sensei said “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know”. Though this quote seems obsolete to you it makes perfect sense to me. This quote is actually a cryptic message, if you take out all the letter except the one’s used to spell Snowmantics, you can actually spell Snowmantics, isn’t that cool! So now I leave with one final thought, to be dashingly romantic, you mustn’t forget the three rules of Snowmantics, Snow color, Font, and sculptures. If you remember these rules you will be on you way to being a dashingly romantic person, or as I like to put it, Snowmantic.

My Future Wife

Okay, so in my many days of lousy dates and bad relationships, I have clung to a dream. That dream is that I would marry Chicago rocker Liz Phair (a dream that I may never be able to realize). As a side story that dream, I have always had a secret love of singer Lisa Loeb (the one who sang "Stay" from Reality Bites). She's quirky, hip, a beautiful singer, and she is just all-around hot!

Like the answer to a prayer, E! Entertainment Television gives me hope. (The following information is from the Hollywood Reporter, November 15, 2005): Yesterday, E! greenlighted an unscripted series that will follow newly single singer-songwriter Lisa Loeb as she re-enters the dating world. The eight-episode series, titled "#1 Single," will feature Loeb as she moves back to New York and starts dating again for the first time since college. The half-hour series is set to premiere in January. Meanwhile, the Grammy-nominated Loeb said she believes the show will be a way to "connect with more people on a larger scale." "I decided to do this TV series because what I do as a musician and songwriter is connect to an audience, so why not take that to another level," Loeb said. (end credit to Hollywood Reporter)

Okay, so why wasn't I informed of this series so I could be one of the dates. Lisa and I could sing together (I am a karaoke whore). Plus we are both quirky oddballs who are cute enough to get by on that. I will watch the show and critique the losers (who are not me) who try to win her heart.

So, no Liz Phair, and I missed the boat on Lisa Loeb. On to celebrity crush number 3 - Eve Plumb (ya, Jan from the Brady Bunch). Yes, she's hot too, so lump it if ya don't like it.

Oh God!

Well world, we are in trouble. God is the new Prada for late 2000s. He is everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. He has been reduced to a catchphrase or bandied about like a volleyball. What has me all tiraded up? Please allow me to begin.

1) Intelligent Design: I for one am a big fan of teaching people as much information as their little brains can store. I believe in evolution and yes, I can reconcile those beliefs with the creation story in the Bible. This is what some would call "intelligent design." However, my thought process is quite a bit deeper than that, pondering such non-evolutionary topics as the soul, how the mind keeps certain secrets, why yellow and blue make green. What the media has come to define "intelligent design" as is really just a thinly veiled attempt to bring creationism into schools. And why shouldn't creationism be taught in schools? I am all for separation of church and state, but if we want to make a bright line rule, then Greek and Roman mythology have to go. I mean, the Greeks and the Romans believed that the earth (Gaia) sprung forth from Chaos and gave birth to the sea (Pontus) and the sky (Uranus). If we can teach our children these stories, why can't we teach them about creationism? Don't we want our children to be critical thinkers and wonder and dream? I do.

2) Michael Newdow - He is an atheist. In 2003, he sued a California school because his daughter was forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance with the phrase "Under God." (Despite the fact that the daughter said she herself had no problem with the pledge.) Yes, the phrase "Under God" was added to the pledge and the phrase "In God We Trust" was added to our money in direct response to the Communist scare of the 1950s. However, it's there. The Court punted Newdow's claim because he was not the custodial parent of the daughter. Now, moments ago, Newdow stated that he was going to sue the U.S. Treasury to have "In God We Trust" removed from our money because it is forcing a religious viewpoint on the population. Here is where I am torn. I love when people challenge our government - it keeps them on their toes. However, I dislike Michael Newdow. He is a media attention whore, in my opinion. He is a failed lawyer, in my opinion. I bet you that Mr. Newdow spends that money whether it has that phrase on it or not. A real atheist trying to stick it to our government wouldn't even use our money. So what do we gain from this lawsuit? More taxpayer money spent on something frivolous because the Court is just going to toss the suit. And Michael Newdow gets more publicity. Hey Mikey, are ya gonna sue Major League Baseball for having singers perform "God Bless America" during the 7th Inning Stretch?

3) Bush and the Christian Right - Somehow, George Bush has a direct hotline to God. I can't believe it, but even God must get bored and want a good laugh from time to time. Everything Bush does or says has some twinge of christian conservatism to it. I mean Bush even heard God tell him to invade Iraq because they had WMDs. I have met some people who have had conversations with God. They smell funny (like cheap wine) and are often seen arguing with invisible people miles away. God must be pleased with the new Supreme Court nominee. I would ask Him, but He is apparently playing racquetball with Bush at 4 o'clock today.

4) Weather and Other Disasters - Here are some things God has been accredited with (or blamed for): the World Trade Center disaster, Hurricane Katrina, Oklahoma City bombing, the New England blizzards. Why is He blamed for them or given credit for them? Because we are sinners and we must be punished. We fornicate, we steal, we lie, we cheat, and some of us have relations with the same gender. Get a fucking grip people. God is not punishing people for this. The terrorist attacks were caused by fucked up religious freaks who cant' see people with differences. Katrina was a weather disaster. But Sean, you say, clearly New Orleans was a sinful place and God decided to wash it away. WRONG!!! First of all, the most sinful parts of New Orleans (let us not be throwing stones) were untouched by Katrina. Second, God promised us no more floods and he sealed that promise with the rainbow. See Genesis 9:12-17. I implore the overly religious to read that book (the Bible, in case they don't know to what book I refer) - they just might see that God actually loves us and probably might get a kick out of seeing his name on our greenbacks.

Wow, that was more religious than I planned to be, but sometimes, you gotta shake people up to get some thoughts moving. Add a comment, if you want to say something on this topic.

Did You Know . . . Part 3

I still get requests for more stupid facts, but I think maybe some people just like the smart ass comments I make. So here goes:

• One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year. Yes, and they are all customer service reps for American companies.
• Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year. We are obviously overpaying a certain percentage of the population.
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. Fuck you is the shortest response to someone who uses words like this.
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Honestly, who is tracking this? I doubt the Transportation Safety Administration is, so it must be the American Donkey Association of America.
• The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start. Okay, this fact is just wrong. North America? South America? You can't cheat and remove the North or South! There are 7 continents. But this works for the other 5.
• Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time. Or just outrun your friend.
• If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. You want to try this as much as I do.
• A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. See what you can learn when you are completely drunk!
• All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Potheads.
• The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe. It's called "number sign", you pretentious ass.
• On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. Jane was obviously a slut.
• The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. Just like most car horns. This music guy must just test everything and say, "yep, that's the key of F"
• Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus. If you know this much about Sesame Street, you are either gay or a pedophile or have no friends, maybe all 3.
  

Church Signs

You ever drive down the road and see funny church signs (or see ones that you could make funny by changing a few letters)? Well, there is a website that now allows you to make your own signs (www.churchsigngenerator.com)
Here is mine:

funny ass pics

These are some fucking funny pics I found on the internet. Enjoy them, bitches!

Did You Know . . . part 2

Yet another session of Did You Know, with more comments by me . . . .

• To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. The Romans were harsh, but they had a thing for the balls - makes you wonder what the word would be if women had to swear on their tits.
  
• During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles. I would want this documented to. "Yep, I stormed the hill at Iwo Jima, and I got three nuts, bitches."
  
• Benito Mussolini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles. Ya right, he was whacking off and we all know it.
  
• Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. They must have lied in a Roman court.
  
• Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states. Is being a total bitch grounds for divorce in those same states.
  
• The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. Founding Fathers rocking the ganj.
  
• 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy ) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. They are not, however, the only Disney cartoons where there are no Jews.
  
• The Soviet Sukhoi-34 is the first strike fighter with a toilet in it. When you have to shit, you have to shit.
  
• Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox. Which may be the location of his missing testicle.
  
• 'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel. Fucking scrabble players.
  
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Good news for those of you searching for internet porn.
• The tango originated as a dance between two men (for partnering practice). Is that a euphemism for fucking?? Argh.
  
• The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets. And what is the name of Los Angeles' football team?
  
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Unless he is married.
  
• "Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occuring, relax and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum speed and when it hits the ground it's rib cage absorbs most of the impact. So throw your cat off a building today!" Sounds good. I hate cats and there are plenty of 7-story buildings in the suburbs.
  

Did You Know?

The web is the best place to find useless facts, besides my sick brain. Here are some interesting facts:

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• Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. And yet she has no vagina
  
• The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY. Anyone up for a trip to New York state - bring a black mask and a rope
  
• The Swiss flag is square. So are the Swiss.
  
• The three largest land-owners in England are the Queen, the Church of England and Trinity College, Cambridge. No wonder they lost the Revolutionary War.
  
• The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula. Wasn't this a joke on Seinfeld?
  
• Emus cannot walk backwards. Neither can some humans
  
• It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. And some moron spent time figuring this out?
  
• Both writer Edgar Allen Poe and LSD advocate Timothy Leary were kicked out of West Point. Probably because they were trying to find the silver stash.
  
• The only city whose name can be spelled completely with vowels is Aiea, Hawaii, located approximately twelve miles west of Honolulu. The use of the word "whose" is troubling. This is a city, not a human. The correct word would be "that's".
• Parthenogenesis is the term used to describe the process by which certain animals are able to reproduce themselves in successive female generations without intervention of a male of the species. At least one species of lizard is known to do so. They are called lesbians in the human world.
  
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Cats suck!!!
  
• "Quisling" is the only word in the English language to start with "quis." Who is Quisling you ask? He was a Nazi collaborator who ran occupied Norway. If you call a Norwegian a "quisling," be prepared to see these usually docile people kick your ass.
  
• The common goldfish is the only animal that can see both infra-red and ultra-violet light. Big whoop. They have a 5-second memory, so they would forget the cool shit they just saw.
  
• Linn's Stamp News is the world's largest weekly newspaper for stamp collectors. Linn has no friends, obviously.
  
• Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S. And that jello contains a bit of vodka to numb the pain of living in the most boring city in the U.S.
  
• Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F. Someone actually was bored enought to figure that out.
  
• Camel's milk does not curdle. And it makes great cheese too.
  
• Oliver Cromwell was hanged and decapitated two years after he had died. So, the English have always been a little slow.
  
• Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney logo. And he hated Jews!!
  
• The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Let's send some mules to Iraq.
  
• Images for picture stamps in the United States are commissioned by the United States Postal Service Department of Philatelic Fulfillment. Sounds like a euphemism for masturbation, but then again, we are talking about stamp collectors.
  
• The lot numbers for the cyanide-tainted Tylenol capsules scare back in 1982 were MC2880 and 1910MD. If you still have Tylenol from 1982, you should take them and leave this world a better place you lazy fuck.
  
• Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. Smart people in Vermont.
  
• The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a senator. He also had sex with this same horse.
  
• The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself." Then you chug two pints of Guinness and beat your mom up.
  
• Giraffes have no vocal cords. They got a long neck, give them a break.
• Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Which is why I think we should kick Ohio out of the Union
  
• A-1 Steak Sauce contains both orange peel and raisins. And other assorted items found in the garbage
  
• The poisonous copperhead smells likefresh cut cucumbers. Which is how they found out the snake was poisonous too.
  
• In Disney's "Fantasia", the Sorcerer's name is "Yensid" (Disney backwards.) Sounds Jewish to me.
• Anne Boleyn had six fingernails on one hand. And no head after marrying the King of England.
  
• A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened. Too easy to do a sexual joke.
• Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". Which is American for "America, Jr."
  
• Ralph Lauren's original name was Ralph Lifshitz. Which is why he didn't work for Walt Disney.
  
• Alexander Hamilton was shot by Aaron Burr in the groin. Who shoots a guy in the dick?
  
• Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. He is also the first to ever eat the Pulitzer Prize.
  
• Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. This was obviously discovered by a pothead.
  
• If you were standing in the northernmost point in the contiguous (48) states, you'd be standing in Minnesota. And wondering what the fuck you were doing there.
  
• The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Explains why Ford sucks.
  
• The Dodge brothers Horace and John were Jewish, that's why the first Dodge emblem had a star of David in it. Walt Disney never drove a Dodge.
  
• A flea expert is a pullicologist. And certainly not married.
  
• A bear has 42 teeth. You can count them as they eat your appendages - they like that.
  
• The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. Because cats suck.
  
• Charlie Brown's father was a barber. Too bad Charlie was bald.
  
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously. Who is trying this out? Honestly. But I hear you can smoke nutmeg
  
• Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union. See, I am not the only one trying to get rid of Ohio.
  
• It is a misdemeanor to kill or threaten a butterfly -- so says City Ordinance No. 352 in Pacific Grove, California. Who threatens a butterfly? Also, I wanna meet the cop who writes a ticket for this - and punch him in the head.
• If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode. What sick bastard found this out?
  
• The Amazon rainforest produces half the world's oxygen supply. Women in the U.S. consume half that oxygen supply.
  
• Reindeer like to eat bananas. A common food found in the Yukon.
  
• Starfish don't have brains. Same as some people I know.
• Shrimps' hearts are in their heads. Same as some people I know.
  
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. This is a cartoon, c'mon.
  
• Coca-Cola was originally green. So.
  
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. And yet the Treasury plays the game better.
  
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. No explanation necessary.
  

God never closes a door . . .

without throwing you out the window. So, I got rejected from a job in the legal department of a major retailer after 3 months of being in consideration. Boy do I feel like a fucking jackass. I bought their lines ("You're defintely still in the running." "You are extremely qualified for this job.") Women don't fall for lines as easily as I did. Then, I got shut out of a job with a family law firm in Wheaton. WTF? I am some kind of diseased lawyer, apparently. Maybe I should set up my law practice at the local high school - lots of underage drinkers there.

So, ya, the old addage is "God never closes a door without opening a window." God, if you happen to be reading this, and I know you are because you dig my blogs too, how about opening a window? You have certainly closed enough doors. (Just kidding God - you rock!). In any event, if you need a good lawyer in Illinois, give me a call or comment.

Houston . . . We Have A Penant

I am a Cubs fan. Have been since I was five. Never gonna be anything other than that - Cubs fan above all else. Also though, I am a Bosox fan, because I love the AL too. I was a Bosox fan long before their world series win. They take second place to the Cubs though.

So, the White Sox have made the Series. Good for them. Will I be rooting for them since I am a Chicago Cubs fan? Fuck no!!! Sox fans have made jokes at my team's expense. They have questioned me about every little piece of Cubs trivia they could google, just to see if I am for real. Bitches please, I bleed Cubbie blue. If you have never been to my house, the upstairs loft is a shrine to the Cubs.

So why am I not rooting for them? Don't I want to see a title brought home to the city? Sure, by my team. I could and will not be able to handle the obnoxious taunts of both real and fairweather Sox fans should they bring the title home. I have never berated a true Sox fan - I have berated bandwagon and fairweather fans though. They will crawl from the woodwork if the Sox win like cockroaches that must be squashed.

Why the Astros? Why not? They fought hard and really have played heads-up ball. They deserve it as much as the Sox. So, I will cheer for Houston, a fellow division team and shout with joy when they make the Go Go Sox go.

calls, christians, carnality, and cartoons

Gentle readers, are you guys lucky today. No, that was not a question, that was an observation about the cornucopia of things you are going to read today. I am feeling rather wordy today and had a lot of interesting observations. Let's begin, shall we?

First, I was on public transportation today. It's quick, it's cheap, and I hate driving to the city. Being that it is public transportation, I have grown rather accustomed to certain annoyances (nail trimming, booger picking, ass scratching, etc. - yes - people do this on the train). What I still have trouble with is cell phones. I accept that I have to share my ride, that's why it's called PUBLIC transportation. I can even understand the short business call, or the "I'm on my way" call. What gets irritating is the guy or gal who sets up their mobile office and conducts, in a LOUD voice, all their business. If you haven't completed your work at the office, stay the FUCK there and finish it. I don't really care if Jack in Kansas fouled up the shipping order, or if Susie in accounting has to check those numbers. Fuck off - we are trying to get home and be AWAY from work. What is worse is the person who talks for the entire train ride to a friend about absolutely nothing. Ignore it, you say? Oh, if only I could, but this person also is an ass clown with no concept of personal borders. Also, this person says things that I wouldn't even say alone without making sure no one else could hear (possible topics: who's fucking who, whether your friend has genital warts, etc.) Whenever people like me complain about these cell phone users, the response is always, "hey, it's public transportation." Yeah, and you, cell phone fuck face, are part of the public, not its entirety. Hang up the phone bitches.

So while Suzy the Whore is on her phone call, I read two interesting stories about God in the paper. The first story was about a woman who lost everything in New Orleans because of Katrina. So this destroyed woman did what anyone would do. She went to the casino, put $20 on a slot machine, and of course, won $1.6 million. First, WTF? Maybe I am just rational, but why blow your money in a casino and reinforce stereotypes. However, this is not the good part. The good part is knowing that God is going to smite this woman again. What does she say to the press after she wins? She says, "My feeling about this win is better than being blessed." Allow me to translate what she really said, "Fuck you God, I'm back on top." After reading this fantastic piece of faith, I turn two pages and get another religious shock. Apparently, we are so lazy that we need the Bible translated into the imporant language of "cell phone slang." This warrants attention because the Bible Society of Australia has undertaken the task of translating all 31,173 verses of the Bible into cell phone speak (4 God so luvd da wrld.) . Apparently, after God smacks down this New Orleans woman, he is going to have knock on Australia's door. Do we need this kind of translation? I don't know, but if there's any money in it, please look for my pig latin version of the Bible (it comes with a free slot machine token).

I finished my business downtown and met up with TJ, his husband, and their son. We rode the train back to my town so that I could take them over to TJ's sisters. This part of my post is about gay marriage because the discussion began on the train, when some woman asked the three of us who was the father of the "cute, little baby." TJ explained that he and Brian were the dads. This woman was angry and taken aback. She and TJ had words and I chimed in. TJ is my friend, and I love him like a brother (Brian's okay too, but I knew TJ longer). I thought about my own close-mindedness when I was younger. And I thought, "this baby right here is getting a taste of hatred and unreasoned bigotry." Now, I am not a poster child or a cause person, but I don't really get this hatred of gay marriage. Who cares? Decades ago, blacks and whites couldn't marry. Marriage has caused more problems that it helps, so why not let people marry whom they love. My real fear is this - there are yahoos who want to amend the US Constitution to define marriage. FUCK THAT!!! If we start down this road, we are going to use the constitution to define and regulate all sorts of things unrelated to marriage. Please don't allow that to happen. Remember the last time the Constitution was used to define behavior - it was called Prohibition. Be careful when you let blind ignorance lead you, because it can lead down thorny paths.

I want to leave you gentle reader with some pleasant thoughts. Cartoons. I love cartoons, but I always had some random thoughts about them. Don't get all hostile if you have heard this before - I am not a genius and other people can make the same observations that I have. First off, why does Donald Duck put on a towel after he leaves the shower? He never wears pants. Does his duck cock show when he is wet? Who knows. And do you remember Donald's nephews, Huey, Duey, and Lewey? They would visit Donald and they would visit Uncle Scrooge. However, where the fuck did these duck kids live? Don't they have parents? One more Disney one - Goofy. Goofy is a talking dog. He is also a racist. Why, you ask? Mickey had Pluto, a dog. Goofy never complained, and even pet Pluto on his head. As if saying, I can talk, therefore, I am better than you. Say it ain't say, Goof. I always wanted Tom to catch Jerry and Wily Coyote to catch the Roadrunner - I just did. But then I thought, "where are these animals getting the money to order these weapons and traps? why don't they just go to Denny's?" Finally, the Jetsons piss me off to no end. Elroy went to school and still used pencil and paper - this is future folks - he should doing homework telepathically. They still used paper money - again - it's the future. And, they all had flying cars, but there was always a traffic jam making George late for work or for dinner. George, you have a flying fucking car - go around the jam. In fact, no one should be jammed. Some of my critics say that there has to be order in the future. WRONG! These cars can fly!!!!!

Later all.

Another twofer, and its a visual

TJ comes throught with another piece of humor (it's funny because he's gay)

"____________ needs"

Heres what you do:
Go to google.com and type "(your name) needs" Then pick the 5 funniest ones there.

If your name is James, you would put this in to the search engine: "James needs"

you got the idea

This is what you guys do - put your results in the comments section. Do it!!
____________________________________
****************************************************
1. Sean needs to create at least 50 dummy accounts (for all my hidden loot).
2. Sean needs cymbals that cut (cause I am a ninja drummer).
3. Sean needs to get Beet a fair deal (I'm working on it Beet).
4. Sean needs services his parents don't want (ain't it the truth).
5. Sean needs a two parent adoptive family with the time (offer void in Florida).

cigarettes and chocolate milk

George Bush has fucked this country up. Never thought I would have said it, because I voted for the man, but god damn - look at the state our country. Debt, homeless, incompetent officials handling natural disasters. Who ever that first FEMA moron was just shocked me. These things that hit the south are called hurricanes (not the drink, and not the shitty football team from Florida). This is not some new natural disaster. So how the fuck can you, as the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, not know how to deal with it.

Then we have John Roberts, a Christian conservative, who is our Chief Justice. Have you seen his little child Jack? This kid is the fucking antichrist and his mom dresses him up like that Damien kid from the Omen. Now, I am all about God, but I don't think God is going to care about the big cases on the ole' Supreme Court docket this fall. Anna-Nicole Smith's inheritance dispute and a case about whether employers have to pay employees for the time spent putting on uniforms and safety equipment. Are these the monster issues that are plaguing our country? What about illiteracy? Well, look at half of our government officials, and I rest my case. What about gasoline prices? And the plight of the working class? No - I would rather waste taxpayer money seeing whether Hooty McBoob gets her 88 million.

And then he nominates a lawyer with ZERO bench experience. Folks this is known as patronage. This woman, whose name I don't recall, was White House counsel and a Republican supporter. Hmm, rich people giving other rich people jobs. WTF!!

So what can I do about? I am one out of 330 million citizens. Well I tell you what I will do. I am going to rattle cages. I love doing it anyways. I am going to tell you to do the same. Even if you are a Republican and even if you like Mr. Bush, you have to see that he has some flaws. I mean, I am part of neither party, and every politician has flaws. If you believe otherwise, then you deserve to be fleeced.

family fucking circus

This cartoon was just too funny not to put in my blog. God damn family circus.

business is weird, part 2

So, remember I told Cingular owes me money (24 cents to be exact). These fucking geniuses of moden industry have now printed and mailed me a check for 24 cents. It cost them 37 cents to mail this check and it will cost about a dollar to process the check. Now, totalling everything up, including printing costs, it has cost them $2.41 to give me 24 cents. What can I get for this 24 cents? Not FUCKING thing! I swear to God, does George Bush run Cingular too? Think about that as we lose jobs to India and CEOs continue to make outrageous amounts of money. We are being fucked people, and for some reason, we are taking it like a hooker.

Damn man - we need to change this.

A Twofer? What am I thinking?

So, this blog gives you not one, but two distinct thoughts today. Hooray for mental ambiguity.
Story #1
I got to see my boys in Normal again this weekend, which is like watching Van Wilder with no Tara Reid and no cock pump (well, we think Ben has one, but . . .) We had the usual drinking night fun, but Saturday was party night. Our small group, consisting of me, Janet, Ben, Hyde, Charlie, Lisa, and Jaeger Erin (with the occasional pop-in from George), sat and consumed various chemicals. The point is, I sort of stood up like a master of ceremonies/comedian and just let loose with my thoughts. I think that is why I felt so good - I was making people laugh. The end game issue is that I had so much fun and forgot all the shit that wears me down at times. I will keep that feeling for the rest of the week. 705'ers for life!

Story #2
Okay, this is more just an observation. I was at a birthday party for my extended family last night - for cousin Joey and Grandma Grace. Joey got the "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story" DVD, which Big Tom urged Joey to put on the TV. Now, there is Aunt Sherry, grandma and grandpa, Uncle Joe, joey and paula, me, and Barb (who thinks we all have a sick sense of humor). Let me caution you, this DVD has no swears and no nudity, but it is vulgar, something I fucking love. Anyways, the funniest part is watching grandma and grandpa Morris laughing hysterically at some of the crassest and vilest jokes in this DVD. I made me realize that even old people can get a laugh at some dirty humor. There is hope for humanity folks.

Gotta go - Superman II is on and I dig the fight in Times Square.

Karate Jesus and Everything You Wanted to Know about Poop

So, the internet is awesome for really out there stuff. Like this website: http://www.jesusoftheweek.com

My personal favorite is "He Got Game" Jesus, but there is also Karate Jesus. This cracks me up.

Also, here is a funny and informative site about poop: http://smellypoop.com/poop.html

Why put Jesus and poop in the same blog? Why not? If you're not laughing after reading these sites, you're probably dead (or should be).

Later kiddies.

spam in the comments

if you see that I have comments and then see that I have deleted them, it is because they are spam. I don't want spam in my blog, but dammit, they found a way in. Real comments will never be deleted, even they criticize me. Maybe I should sing about the noodles on my back.

story time

A few people have left me some comments on my work, so I thought I would share more writing. I can't share another story because I want people to maybe buy the book (assuming I can find a publisher). However, I wrote an acknowledgements section, so you all can read that:

acknowledgements

I would like to take the time to thank a lot of people. This is like the liner notes on CDs.

Of course, I would like to thank my family members who have encouraged my work over the past years, or at least are aware that I spent some time writing for fun. I love you, Mom. Patrick, shave that soul patch. Hey Pops.

My friends have been there too. Little do you all know how much you have impacted my life and how some of these stories could not exist without you. Thank you. I have some specific thank you’s, but please do not feel bad if I didn’t mention you by name. No sleight is meant. Thanks to Mr. Joe Morgan, my teacher and my advisor for all of his input in crafting my stories and encouraging my work. Hydro – 100% friend through and through – I owe you much, so I will offer you some royalties and a free copy of the book. Thanks to Ty – another superstar – if you need a web designer, contact ty@orangepiranha.com - he’s awesome. KJWood34, Phatsrfr, and Zeta Jill. My first roommate ever, TJ and his husband (ya, he’s a homo, so get over it). And then there is 705 South Franklin – you know who you are.

I would also like to Weyerhauser, Inc. for making such kick-ass paper that I used to print drafts of this book on. Oh, and the U.S. Postal Service because how would I have ever gotten this book to a publisher.

Whoever you may be in that list, you are all the best and I couldn’t be where I am without you. Sounds like an academy awards speech, doesn’t it?

I always loved reading acknowledgements in books; they are little windows into someone’s mind. It also makes you wonder who influenced the author during the book writing process. But you also know there is that one author out there who is waiting to write: “I thank no one. I did it all myself and none of you people are getting a dime from me once I am rich. Go fuck yourself.”