I Wanna Be Brett Scallions - October 10, 2006

For those of you who know me, a little or a lot, you know I love karaoke... Well, you know I love to sing... I would sing at the drop of a hat... You remember that show "Cop Rock?.. The one where they sang in the courtroom and all that?.... Sometimes, I think that would be cool..(and yes, then I realize how strange that would actually be, but fuck off anyways)..... So is all this singing talk going to get to some point?.. Who knows.


But, to start, a few weeks ago, I was rocking out at Cheerliters (not a spelling error), where everyone knows my name..... My friend Lauren was eyeing this scruffy looking guy (whom she said looked like the dead guy in Weekend at Bernie's), and I went up to sing "Hemorrhage" by Fuel... Look at my face - do you think I could rock out like Brett Scallions?.. Well, guess what?.... I can (but only Hemorrhage and Shimmer, because I fail at Bad Day). Now, scruffy Bernie-guy comes up to me after that song and explains to me that he has a band that needs a lead singer and he is going to bring his band in next week to hear me at karaoke (he did do that).....


So.."Bernie" and I talked for a bit and I didn't put any stock in the conversation... However, my imagination wandered and I thought about how much I missed performing... Nope, never had a real band... But I sang a lot, with show choir, and open mic nights at the Channing-Murray Center, and once on the street with a homeless guy at Christmas... Everyone has some secret desire that they never plan on acting on... Mine is to be rock star... Apparently, someone has other plans for me.


At my church, like at many other non-Catholic churches, we have a Praise Band, and seriously, they do rock... Pastor Kirk, upon the instruction of a member of my church who is now a sitting judge, invited me to sing during one of the services... Obviously, Fuel is not going be part of the liturgy, so who to sing?.. I found two bands that I can sing their songs and would not scare the congregation into revoking my membership... One is Jars of Clay, one of my all-time favorite bands (yes, I love this band)... The other is Run Kid Run (an edgier Christian Rock band)... Now, I am working on the songs, seeing if I can pull of playing the guitar (probably not, so thankfully Pastor Kirk can play)...


And then tonight, "Bernie" called and told me that his band is practicing this week... Cop Rock, here I come . . .

I was a Teenage Activist - September 22, 2006

Yesterday, I got a letter from Senator John McCain... Not the family Christmas letter I usually get, where John waxes poetic about the meaning of Christmas, especially the Christmases he spent in that Viet Cong prison camp... No, this letter was John's impassioned plea for my help in fighting global warming... It hit me, aside from the times I sent John a birthday card, this was the first time John Wayne McCain had talked about the environment with me... Talk about shell shocked . . . I felt like I had just left Saigon in 1973, as I read what..John wrote about the desolate, Waterworld-esque future that awaits us if global warming goes unchecked.


All that thinking made me remember my days in high school, where I would have affectionately been known as a causehead..... I was the founder of an environmental action club (hey, it was 1990 and the 20th Anniversary of Earth Day - I was hip with the timing too)... We did everything from saving a swamp behind our school to instituting a paper recycling program in our school to ridding the cafeteria of styrofoam... I mean, I took global warming, landfills, endangered species, oil dependence, and toxic chemicals very seriously.


And yes, I worked at the PADS shelter in my town, a shelter for homeless families and battered women... I didn't have any hang ups about getting dirty or any of that... It was just what we did as part of my church, so I did it... I had no desire for accolades or any of that - although we did get in the paper sometimes, which meant more donations for PADS... Cool?.. I thought so.


But there was one time in high school that I joined a cause I had no interest in... I joined the club because I was in love with a girl... This girl was into Amnesty International and she wanted to start a club at our high school... Sadly, she didn't have nearly enough members, so I offered my environmental club members, which gave her the numbers she needed... At 17, I could give a rat's ass about political prisoners in Papau New Guinea or genocide in Botswana... I did give a rat's ass about this girl... I was so hot for her that if she told me that there was oppression in Siberia, I would have gone to yell at someone... All I wanted was a kiss (which, for the record, I got months later at the Winter Wonderland dance)... So for months, I learned about the evils that governments do to people who speak out... And I didn't care... I was mesmorized by a blonde teenage girl with beautiful looks, nice breasts, and blue eyes.


What does this have to do with global warming?.. Does this mean I have a thing for John McCain?.. Well, I was just thinking about how much idealism I had at 17... And no, I admire Senator McCain because he speaks his mind, but he'll never compare to my Amnesty girl from 16 years ago... How bout that?

The First Cut is the Deepest - September 11, 2006

Okay, so part of the debate with adopting an infant is the snipping issue. If it's a girl, not issue. If it's a boy, should the baby be circumcised. Here is my answer - HELL NO!!!!

For those of you who don't know, human males are born with a foreskin that covers the tip of the penis. Originally, it can be assumed that the foreskin was there to protect the penis while we were walking around unclothed. So logically, now that we wear clothes, all excess protective skin should be removed. That's right, excess skin on the elbows? Trim it down because we wear clothes.

Now rest assured, I am not one of those people who believes that the kid will years later suffer the trauma of circumcision. That's not my reason. My reason is that circumcision is a barbaric practice. Look at the device used to strap the child down:


A Circumstraint

Now, look at the torture devices used to do the deed:



Why in the name of all that is decent would I do that to a child. Yes, the kid will probably not remember. But I will. And I won't do that.

"But Sean, your child won't be as clean." Excuse me? Can I not afford soap and washcloths? My child will be very clean. What are you telling me? That I should cut off any body part that is difficult to clean? Well, let's pull out the back teeth because it's hard to floss there. Sew that ass shut because that is not easy to clean. And what about the middle of your back? Jeez, that sounds awful. And more importantly, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) states: "The uncircumcised penis is easy to keep clean. No special care is required."

"But Sean, everybody's doing it?" Really, as of 2003, around 60% of the newborn males in the United States are circumcised before discharge. In Canada, Australia, and England, the rate of circumcision is around 12%. And in New Zealand, it is less than 1%. And the rest of the world too. Since I am not Jewish, there is no religious reason to do so. "But Sean, the other boys will make fun of him," or "He won't look like his daddy." Number 1, I don't want my child hanging around with people who are only interested in his penis. Number 2, my child and I will not be comparing penises.

"You know, women won't like it." Well, first and foremost, I don't want my child dating any person who suddenly turns him away because of his penis. Those people are shallow and lame. If women are like that, then fine - I like nice firm breasts. All women should have barbaric, unnecessary surgery to please my aesthetics. Going back to not liking it. Smegma is the issue - the dead skin and bacteria that sometimes collect at the foreskin. Again - my child will be a clean child. So get over it.

"It's just not normal." Oh, so because we have mutilated children for hundreds of years, we should keep doing that. Okay, do you want me to use leeches to "bleed" the sickness out of me too? Should I go back to owning slaves? You tell me. Traditions are not always things to continue.

I will leave you with the American Association of Pediatricians, and their most recent policy statement on circumcision (1999):

Existing scientific evidence demonstrates potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision; however, these data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision. In the case of circumcision, in which there are potential benefits and risks, yet the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child.

The Kids Are Alright - August 22, 2006

It seems that I hooked you all with the adoption story, so I have no choice but to continue blogging about this. That, and the adoption agency said I might want to create a record of the process so that I can share it with the kid when he or she is older. Ya right! I swear like a truck driver; do you think I am going to let the kid know that?

Okay, so I said I would talk about what kind of kid I want. I am not here to debate the concept of "buying a kid." But I will tell you that it is cool to think about just what kind of kid you want. So here goes . . .

I want a boy. Duh! I want to have a son, not to carry on my name, but because sons are cool. Daughters are fine too, but let's look at the drawbacks for a single father. Bra shopping - what the hell do I know about bras, except for how to remove them with one hand. Periods - yes, I know what they are and can explain them to a child. But, is a preteen/teen girl going to want to talk about womanly changes with her father? Hmm . . . but like all parents, if I have a daughter, I will learn to adapt. And learn how to shoot a shotgun (teen boys beware of trying to date my daughter). Anyways, a son is what I hope will happen. Cubs games, balsa wood airplanes, and all that. I love it.

Race and ethnicity is a big issue in adoptions. Obviously, I am best suited to have a caucasian kid. I am familiar with African-American culture, but it would kinda be like giving cultuaral Cliff's notes to the child. Could I handle a Hispanic or Asian kid? Yep. Just seems easier for me. I may come off as racist, but I am being honest.

Other than that, I hope for the same thing all parents hope for - a healthy kid with all the right appendages (not that any parent would hope for an unhealthy child). Could I cope with a deaf child? Could I work with a child suffering from drug addiction due to birthparent drug use? I believe I could, but I don't want that to happen.

So, that is the story of kid choice. Next time, I will tackle the interesting and odd subject of circumcision (no, really, I will . . .)

And Baby Makes Two - August 15, 2006

Holy shit dear readers . . . I am writing this Portland, Oregon. Why have I left the safety and sanity and security of the Midwest for the Northwest? Well, I have decided to adopt a kid. No, the kid is not here yet. No, I haven't foregone the idea of getting married - just not in a rush to figure that part of my life out yet.

Before I ruminate on the adoption, let me share some thoughts on Oregon and Oregonians. Driving in Portland is essentially the same as sex on the third date. You are anxious to see what's there, nothing goes right and the signs are confusing, but in the end, you kinda did it right and got where you needed to be. But in all seriousness, it sucks. Every street I saw was a one-way street in one driection or the other. The lights stay green for about 22 seconds. The speed (limit) is 25 just about everywhere. I say "limit" in parenthesis because the signs just read "speed."

The people in Portland are very nice. They talk just like Midwesterners, but they appear to be a little bit afraid of speaking too often. I think this is because they do not want to be confused with California, or maybe Seattle. There are a large number of "homeless" in Portland. Most are young and they beg for change. I tell them to fuck off because hey, I am trying to get a kid and need the money - and these lazy prats seem quite capable of doing any job. I mean, are there no record stores in Portland (surprisingly, I didn't see many record stores - an untapped market for these "homeless" youths).

So, about this kid. I am working with an open adoption agency in town. Open adoption means that the birth parent picks the adoptive parent and the adoptive parents and the birth parents maintain a relationship after the baby is born. I like that idea. Makes the kid know that he was chosen and that his or her birthmother chose the people to raise the kid. I have heard all the lines about being a single male who wants to adopt. Most of my friends have been very great to me about my decision. My mom is a tad against the idea. But, I am old enough not to need her approval and when the grandkid stares her in the eye, she'll melt like butter.

So, that is the beginning of the story. I will share my kid wishes (what kind of kid I want) next time.

Later gators!

Did You Know . . . . Funny Laws

So, I am a lawyer. Save the jokes. Here are some funny laws and my comments (in italics):

You can't plow a cotton field with an elephant in North Carolina. And thank God, because not only do we need to protect the native elephant population in America, but also, elephants get in the way of the

In Lehigh, Nebraska it's against the law to sell donut holes. *insert corn hole joke here*

Under the law of Mississippi, there's no such thing as a female Peeping Tom. Because who would want to peep on their inbred male relatives?

Lawn darts are illegal in Canada. America, Jr. follows our lead.

In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds. Who likes someone that much??? Also, if you are not a citizen of Idaho, does that law apply to you?

Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath at least once a year. This one is just too easy - but okay . . . they also have to brush their tooth once a month.

It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma. Who wrote this law? That's like saying sand is illegal at the beach. Of course, this law had to start somehow. Did some jackass kill a whale at the Tulsa aquarium?

According to law, no store is allowed to sell a toothbrush on the Sabbath in Providence, Rhode Island. Yet these same stores are allowed to sell toothpaste and mouthwash on Sundays. Guess those visitors from Kentucky are just fucked then.

Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year. The real question is: did anyone notice? It is New York City after all.

In Breton, Alabama, there is a law on the town's books against riding down the street in a motorboat. Especially after you just got back from whale hunting in Oklahoma.

Connecticut and Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment: Prohibition. And does anyone even care?

n New York State, it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car. Whales, on the other hand, may be shot from any moving vehicle.

Vermont, Alaska, Hawaii, and Maine are the four states in the U.S. that do not allow billboards. If you in Hawaii, why would you look at a billboard anyways? In Alaska, they used them all for heat. And no one goes to Vermont or Maine anyways.

In Riverside, California, there is an old law on the city's books which makes it illegal to kiss unless both people wipe their lips with rose water. Again, California is just weird and we should kick it out of the union at our first opportunity (along with Ohio).

In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee. But that bitch is fucked if she drives a car, shows her face, or talks to a man who is not her brother, father, or husband.

Holiday Letters

Some of you probably send Christmas cards and those cards sometimes come with lengthy letters which are a year in review. They are attempts to say, "hey, we're better than you and here's why." I always wanted to write a letter for my card that would horrify my friends and family. Here goes.

Dear Family and Friends (because I am too damn cheap to write to you individually),
This year has been one for the history books. My fucking bitch of a wife pushed me one time too many, so gave her five across the eyes. The doctors say she will heal up nicely, but probably won't see so good out of the left eye. Thinking she had learned a lesson, I went to pick her up but the nurses said there was some kind of restraining order against me. Fucking whore and her lawyer brother. Then to top all that off, she filed for divorce. I will kill her before she gets Jackie and Sean Jr.

Speaking of the boys, Jackie is tearing it up in pee wee football. The other coaches complain that he is too rough, but he's just doing what his daddy taught him. He's the star of that team and the referees know it too. That's why they slap all those penalties on him. Sean Jr. started high school this year. We all know he is a quiet boy, which I can't figure out because I encourage him to talk. Oh well, he has a new friend named Pete and they study all the time in Sean Jr.'s room. I got a rocket scientist growing up in the house for sure.

I am hoping that in 2006, I will find a new job. My boss and I didn't see things the same way at the mill and well, long story short, the insurance will cover his prosthetic hand. Worker's comp says the day. And the other job I got in February dried up because of housing market changes. Anyways, I hope you all are doing well. Not that any of you bastards ever pick up a god damn phone to call us.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
Sean, Karen, Sean Jr. & Jackie

holidays are over

Okay, so now that all the holidays are over, I can get back to blogging, especially since I have been lax at posting anything. Rest assured, I have lots to write about and I will. Also, I am taking suggestions and guest bloggers. Care to help out? Leave a comment!

Happy New Year - 2006!!

Guest Blog - Snowmantics -or- How to Entice a Woman to Love You Throught the Art of Snow

From time to time, I like to let my friends guest author my blog. This blog was written by Benjamin Miller of Glen Ellyn, Illinois. (I take no responsibility for spelling, grammar, or content.)

Snowmantics, or “snow-romantics” as some earlier history books call it, has been around since the rise of the Pax Romana. Julius Caesar, or “the father of Snowmantisism” as he is more commonly called, created the first snow-sculptured heart, a feat only Leonardo Da’Vinci could replicate after extensive years of trial and error. In the original manuscript written by William Shakespeare, Mark Anthony says “Romans, fellow countrymen, lend me your ears, I am not hear to praise the father of Snowmantics, I am here to bury him”. Unfortunately later revisions cut out this crucial fact in history. But it was not Julius Caesar that started this pandemic of snowmanticitous infecting this world, oh no. It was another man, a man so bold that he took Snowmantics to the next level. This man had a vision, a dream, this man is an artist, an author, this man is Ben Miller.

Now, Why, you say? Well, as the only certified snowmantic instructor I feel privileged to teach all you perspiring…I mean aspiring Snowmantic blue belts the ways of the sensei. But before you seduce that special woman with a heart felt saying in the snow, we must first go over some rules and guide lines.

Types of snow

- White Snow (normal)

- Yellow Snow (not normal for obvious reasons)

- Red Snow (Usually the result of a not so lucky animal)

- Black Snow (Usually dirt or dare I say…)

- Rainbow Snow (Rare in most parts of the world, this type of snow only appears in the late days of July)

The use of different types of snow in different areas of your message or work of art gives the masterpiece a sense of brilliance and will add to the overall effect on the viewer. For example, if you wanted to create a sun, you wouldn’t use white snow, the use of yellow snow would bring life to the otherwise dull look of a white picture. Also, a Santa can easily be made with a skillful mixture of red and white snow. If you are looking to create a magnificent sunset all you need is the red, yellow and black snow. To create the full affect of a sunset, first mix the yellow and red snow to make orange snow, do the same for the red and the black…yes they will make purple. If any of these colors are not on hand, try Ebay for rainbow snow, which solves all problems (just like duct tape). But the use of colors also has a darker side, and no, I am not talking about midnight snowmantic pranks. The over use of colors can actually detract the “Wow factor” of your desired message to your significant other. Most amateurs go for the A+ but instead over use that yellow snow.

Now, snow color is just one factor in the ways of Snowmantics, the use of “slush” for lack of a better name and a mental picture, can be just as versatile. But that’s not the subject of this paragraph, o no, who ever thought that was my next subject, well….YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D! Yes that’s right, punk’d. Now I know what your thinking “ok lets just get to the next subject” so for all the people out there who wont let me go on and rant about stuff, hears the real subject of this paragraph. To cause, I mean spare confusion I will indent twice to signal the real first sentence of this paragraph.

(once) (twice)

Now that you have your color of snow picked out and gathered from various places around town its time to choose a “font” to write your message in. From writing a love poem to go along with snowman sculpture to signing your name under a snow version of “Water Lily Pond” by Claude Monet, The choice of Font is crucial to the “enticing” part of Snowmantics. Your font choice for a lover might go as follows.

What Is Love?

Love is a shy smile,
a sweet hello,
a soft caress...

Love is two hands entwined,
a lingering kiss,
a swelling of the heart...

Love is undeniable,
unforgettable,
unimaginable,
and what every heart yearns for...

A French script might do well for this poem, but I must warn you, from experience, being a dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem doesn’t make you romantic, it’s the dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem written (in snow) with a dashing, romantic font that makes you dashingly romantic, or for a more professional term, Snowmantic. As you can see, font is what makes love not the poem, for example, same font as above:

If I Created the Alphabet I would put U and I together - As you can see, its utterly snowmantic!

If you are looking for something more than just a really cool poem, or a million dollar replica of a work of art try building a sculpture. Maybe a snowman and a snowwoman holding hands….awww how cute.

If holding hands and making up words like snowwoman is not for you try doing what good O’l Charlie Brown did, or rather Julius Caesar did, make a heart (with red snow of course!). If none of these things seem to fit your personality your probably not a very snowmantic person. But don’t worry because I have a fail proof, school appropriate sculpture for you. I know what your thinking, “Wow thanks Ben, your amazing” and so I say, “ Your very welcome, (Name)”. I will now unveil my sculpture idea for the world……A pair of shoes! But don’t forget the crucial caption “I will buy these for you if you go to homecoming with me”. I cant stress enough about not forgetting the caption. Without it, its just shoes….and a lot of angry woman.

Snowmantics is not about angering woman, its about sending their hearts a flutter with a subtle message of love and a sculpted rose to show her how much she means to you, how much you care. Snowmantics is not just a way for a man to express his love for a woman, it is an art, an art I hope you all who are reading this will perfect. Snowmantics is poetry, it is a never ending fairytale of Snow White (hehe, SNOW white, get it?) and a lesser known fairy tale “ Of the palace of the snow queen and what happened there at last” by Hans Christian Andersen (again snow…not funny, tough crowd…..it was the only other fairy tale I could find, give me a break). Just remember, Snowmantics is a way of life, live it and follow its path and your life will be fulfilled, and if you abuse it, it will be gone by summer (how do you like that for justice!) As one former Snowmantics sensei said “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know”. Though this quote seems obsolete to you it makes perfect sense to me. This quote is actually a cryptic message, if you take out all the letter except the one’s used to spell Snowmantics, you can actually spell Snowmantics, isn’t that cool! So now I leave with one final thought, to be dashingly romantic, you mustn’t forget the three rules of Snowmantics, Snow color, Font, and sculptures. If you remember these rules you will be on you way to being a dashingly romantic person, or as I like to put it, Snowmantic.

My Future Wife

Okay, so in my many days of lousy dates and bad relationships, I have clung to a dream. That dream is that I would marry Chicago rocker Liz Phair (a dream that I may never be able to realize). As a side story that dream, I have always had a secret love of singer Lisa Loeb (the one who sang "Stay" from Reality Bites). She's quirky, hip, a beautiful singer, and she is just all-around hot!

Like the answer to a prayer, E! Entertainment Television gives me hope. (The following information is from the Hollywood Reporter, November 15, 2005): Yesterday, E! greenlighted an unscripted series that will follow newly single singer-songwriter Lisa Loeb as she re-enters the dating world. The eight-episode series, titled "#1 Single," will feature Loeb as she moves back to New York and starts dating again for the first time since college. The half-hour series is set to premiere in January. Meanwhile, the Grammy-nominated Loeb said she believes the show will be a way to "connect with more people on a larger scale." "I decided to do this TV series because what I do as a musician and songwriter is connect to an audience, so why not take that to another level," Loeb said. (end credit to Hollywood Reporter)

Okay, so why wasn't I informed of this series so I could be one of the dates. Lisa and I could sing together (I am a karaoke whore). Plus we are both quirky oddballs who are cute enough to get by on that. I will watch the show and critique the losers (who are not me) who try to win her heart.

So, no Liz Phair, and I missed the boat on Lisa Loeb. On to celebrity crush number 3 - Eve Plumb (ya, Jan from the Brady Bunch). Yes, she's hot too, so lump it if ya don't like it.

Oh God!

Well world, we are in trouble. God is the new Prada for late 2000s. He is everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. He has been reduced to a catchphrase or bandied about like a volleyball. What has me all tiraded up? Please allow me to begin.

1) Intelligent Design: I for one am a big fan of teaching people as much information as their little brains can store. I believe in evolution and yes, I can reconcile those beliefs with the creation story in the Bible. This is what some would call "intelligent design." However, my thought process is quite a bit deeper than that, pondering such non-evolutionary topics as the soul, how the mind keeps certain secrets, why yellow and blue make green. What the media has come to define "intelligent design" as is really just a thinly veiled attempt to bring creationism into schools. And why shouldn't creationism be taught in schools? I am all for separation of church and state, but if we want to make a bright line rule, then Greek and Roman mythology have to go. I mean, the Greeks and the Romans believed that the earth (Gaia) sprung forth from Chaos and gave birth to the sea (Pontus) and the sky (Uranus). If we can teach our children these stories, why can't we teach them about creationism? Don't we want our children to be critical thinkers and wonder and dream? I do.

2) Michael Newdow - He is an atheist. In 2003, he sued a California school because his daughter was forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance with the phrase "Under God." (Despite the fact that the daughter said she herself had no problem with the pledge.) Yes, the phrase "Under God" was added to the pledge and the phrase "In God We Trust" was added to our money in direct response to the Communist scare of the 1950s. However, it's there. The Court punted Newdow's claim because he was not the custodial parent of the daughter. Now, moments ago, Newdow stated that he was going to sue the U.S. Treasury to have "In God We Trust" removed from our money because it is forcing a religious viewpoint on the population. Here is where I am torn. I love when people challenge our government - it keeps them on their toes. However, I dislike Michael Newdow. He is a media attention whore, in my opinion. He is a failed lawyer, in my opinion. I bet you that Mr. Newdow spends that money whether it has that phrase on it or not. A real atheist trying to stick it to our government wouldn't even use our money. So what do we gain from this lawsuit? More taxpayer money spent on something frivolous because the Court is just going to toss the suit. And Michael Newdow gets more publicity. Hey Mikey, are ya gonna sue Major League Baseball for having singers perform "God Bless America" during the 7th Inning Stretch?

3) Bush and the Christian Right - Somehow, George Bush has a direct hotline to God. I can't believe it, but even God must get bored and want a good laugh from time to time. Everything Bush does or says has some twinge of christian conservatism to it. I mean Bush even heard God tell him to invade Iraq because they had WMDs. I have met some people who have had conversations with God. They smell funny (like cheap wine) and are often seen arguing with invisible people miles away. God must be pleased with the new Supreme Court nominee. I would ask Him, but He is apparently playing racquetball with Bush at 4 o'clock today.

4) Weather and Other Disasters - Here are some things God has been accredited with (or blamed for): the World Trade Center disaster, Hurricane Katrina, Oklahoma City bombing, the New England blizzards. Why is He blamed for them or given credit for them? Because we are sinners and we must be punished. We fornicate, we steal, we lie, we cheat, and some of us have relations with the same gender. Get a fucking grip people. God is not punishing people for this. The terrorist attacks were caused by fucked up religious freaks who cant' see people with differences. Katrina was a weather disaster. But Sean, you say, clearly New Orleans was a sinful place and God decided to wash it away. WRONG!!! First of all, the most sinful parts of New Orleans (let us not be throwing stones) were untouched by Katrina. Second, God promised us no more floods and he sealed that promise with the rainbow. See Genesis 9:12-17. I implore the overly religious to read that book (the Bible, in case they don't know to what book I refer) - they just might see that God actually loves us and probably might get a kick out of seeing his name on our greenbacks.

Wow, that was more religious than I planned to be, but sometimes, you gotta shake people up to get some thoughts moving. Add a comment, if you want to say something on this topic.

Did You Know . . . Part 3

I still get requests for more stupid facts, but I think maybe some people just like the smart ass comments I make. So here goes:

• One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year. Yes, and they are all customer service reps for American companies.
• Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year. We are obviously overpaying a certain percentage of the population.
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. Fuck you is the shortest response to someone who uses words like this.
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Honestly, who is tracking this? I doubt the Transportation Safety Administration is, so it must be the American Donkey Association of America.
• The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start. Okay, this fact is just wrong. North America? South America? You can't cheat and remove the North or South! There are 7 continents. But this works for the other 5.
• Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time. Or just outrun your friend.
• If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. You want to try this as much as I do.
• A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. See what you can learn when you are completely drunk!
• All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Potheads.
• The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe. It's called "number sign", you pretentious ass.
• On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. Jane was obviously a slut.
• The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. Just like most car horns. This music guy must just test everything and say, "yep, that's the key of F"
• Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus. If you know this much about Sesame Street, you are either gay or a pedophile or have no friends, maybe all 3.
  

Church Signs

You ever drive down the road and see funny church signs (or see ones that you could make funny by changing a few letters)? Well, there is a website that now allows you to make your own signs (www.churchsigngenerator.com)
Here is mine:

funny ass pics

These are some fucking funny pics I found on the internet. Enjoy them, bitches!

Did You Know . . . part 2

Yet another session of Did You Know, with more comments by me . . . .

• To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. The Romans were harsh, but they had a thing for the balls - makes you wonder what the word would be if women had to swear on their tits.
  
• During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles. I would want this documented to. "Yep, I stormed the hill at Iwo Jima, and I got three nuts, bitches."
  
• Benito Mussolini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles. Ya right, he was whacking off and we all know it.
  
• Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. They must have lied in a Roman court.
  
• Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states. Is being a total bitch grounds for divorce in those same states.
  
• The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. Founding Fathers rocking the ganj.
  
• 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy ) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. They are not, however, the only Disney cartoons where there are no Jews.
  
• The Soviet Sukhoi-34 is the first strike fighter with a toilet in it. When you have to shit, you have to shit.
  
• Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox. Which may be the location of his missing testicle.
  
• 'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel. Fucking scrabble players.
  
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Good news for those of you searching for internet porn.
• The tango originated as a dance between two men (for partnering practice). Is that a euphemism for fucking?? Argh.
  
• The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets. And what is the name of Los Angeles' football team?
  
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Unless he is married.
  
• "Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occuring, relax and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum speed and when it hits the ground it's rib cage absorbs most of the impact. So throw your cat off a building today!" Sounds good. I hate cats and there are plenty of 7-story buildings in the suburbs.
  

Did You Know?

The web is the best place to find useless facts, besides my sick brain. Here are some interesting facts:

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• Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. And yet she has no vagina
  
• The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY. Anyone up for a trip to New York state - bring a black mask and a rope
  
• The Swiss flag is square. So are the Swiss.
  
• The three largest land-owners in England are the Queen, the Church of England and Trinity College, Cambridge. No wonder they lost the Revolutionary War.
  
• The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula. Wasn't this a joke on Seinfeld?
  
• Emus cannot walk backwards. Neither can some humans
  
• It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. And some moron spent time figuring this out?
  
• Both writer Edgar Allen Poe and LSD advocate Timothy Leary were kicked out of West Point. Probably because they were trying to find the silver stash.
  
• The only city whose name can be spelled completely with vowels is Aiea, Hawaii, located approximately twelve miles west of Honolulu. The use of the word "whose" is troubling. This is a city, not a human. The correct word would be "that's".
• Parthenogenesis is the term used to describe the process by which certain animals are able to reproduce themselves in successive female generations without intervention of a male of the species. At least one species of lizard is known to do so. They are called lesbians in the human world.
  
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Cats suck!!!
  
• "Quisling" is the only word in the English language to start with "quis." Who is Quisling you ask? He was a Nazi collaborator who ran occupied Norway. If you call a Norwegian a "quisling," be prepared to see these usually docile people kick your ass.
  
• The common goldfish is the only animal that can see both infra-red and ultra-violet light. Big whoop. They have a 5-second memory, so they would forget the cool shit they just saw.
  
• Linn's Stamp News is the world's largest weekly newspaper for stamp collectors. Linn has no friends, obviously.
  
• Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S. And that jello contains a bit of vodka to numb the pain of living in the most boring city in the U.S.
  
• Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F. Someone actually was bored enought to figure that out.
  
• Camel's milk does not curdle. And it makes great cheese too.
  
• Oliver Cromwell was hanged and decapitated two years after he had died. So, the English have always been a little slow.
  
• Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney logo. And he hated Jews!!
  
• The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Let's send some mules to Iraq.
  
• Images for picture stamps in the United States are commissioned by the United States Postal Service Department of Philatelic Fulfillment. Sounds like a euphemism for masturbation, but then again, we are talking about stamp collectors.
  
• The lot numbers for the cyanide-tainted Tylenol capsules scare back in 1982 were MC2880 and 1910MD. If you still have Tylenol from 1982, you should take them and leave this world a better place you lazy fuck.
  
• Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. Smart people in Vermont.
  
• The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a senator. He also had sex with this same horse.
  
• The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself." Then you chug two pints of Guinness and beat your mom up.
  
• Giraffes have no vocal cords. They got a long neck, give them a break.
• Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Which is why I think we should kick Ohio out of the Union
  
• A-1 Steak Sauce contains both orange peel and raisins. And other assorted items found in the garbage
  
• The poisonous copperhead smells likefresh cut cucumbers. Which is how they found out the snake was poisonous too.
  
• In Disney's "Fantasia", the Sorcerer's name is "Yensid" (Disney backwards.) Sounds Jewish to me.
• Anne Boleyn had six fingernails on one hand. And no head after marrying the King of England.
  
• A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened. Too easy to do a sexual joke.
• Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". Which is American for "America, Jr."
  
• Ralph Lauren's original name was Ralph Lifshitz. Which is why he didn't work for Walt Disney.
  
• Alexander Hamilton was shot by Aaron Burr in the groin. Who shoots a guy in the dick?
  
• Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. He is also the first to ever eat the Pulitzer Prize.
  
• Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. This was obviously discovered by a pothead.
  
• If you were standing in the northernmost point in the contiguous (48) states, you'd be standing in Minnesota. And wondering what the fuck you were doing there.
  
• The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Explains why Ford sucks.
  
• The Dodge brothers Horace and John were Jewish, that's why the first Dodge emblem had a star of David in it. Walt Disney never drove a Dodge.
  
• A flea expert is a pullicologist. And certainly not married.
  
• A bear has 42 teeth. You can count them as they eat your appendages - they like that.
  
• The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. Because cats suck.
  
• Charlie Brown's father was a barber. Too bad Charlie was bald.
  
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously. Who is trying this out? Honestly. But I hear you can smoke nutmeg
  
• Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union. See, I am not the only one trying to get rid of Ohio.
  
• It is a misdemeanor to kill or threaten a butterfly -- so says City Ordinance No. 352 in Pacific Grove, California. Who threatens a butterfly? Also, I wanna meet the cop who writes a ticket for this - and punch him in the head.
• If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode. What sick bastard found this out?
  
• The Amazon rainforest produces half the world's oxygen supply. Women in the U.S. consume half that oxygen supply.
  
• Reindeer like to eat bananas. A common food found in the Yukon.
  
• Starfish don't have brains. Same as some people I know.
• Shrimps' hearts are in their heads. Same as some people I know.
  
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. This is a cartoon, c'mon.
  
• Coca-Cola was originally green. So.
  
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. And yet the Treasury plays the game better.
  
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. No explanation necessary.
  

God never closes a door . . .

without throwing you out the window. So, I got rejected from a job in the legal department of a major retailer after 3 months of being in consideration. Boy do I feel like a fucking jackass. I bought their lines ("You're defintely still in the running." "You are extremely qualified for this job.") Women don't fall for lines as easily as I did. Then, I got shut out of a job with a family law firm in Wheaton. WTF? I am some kind of diseased lawyer, apparently. Maybe I should set up my law practice at the local high school - lots of underage drinkers there.

So, ya, the old addage is "God never closes a door without opening a window." God, if you happen to be reading this, and I know you are because you dig my blogs too, how about opening a window? You have certainly closed enough doors. (Just kidding God - you rock!). In any event, if you need a good lawyer in Illinois, give me a call or comment.

Houston . . . We Have A Penant

I am a Cubs fan. Have been since I was five. Never gonna be anything other than that - Cubs fan above all else. Also though, I am a Bosox fan, because I love the AL too. I was a Bosox fan long before their world series win. They take second place to the Cubs though.

So, the White Sox have made the Series. Good for them. Will I be rooting for them since I am a Chicago Cubs fan? Fuck no!!! Sox fans have made jokes at my team's expense. They have questioned me about every little piece of Cubs trivia they could google, just to see if I am for real. Bitches please, I bleed Cubbie blue. If you have never been to my house, the upstairs loft is a shrine to the Cubs.

So why am I not rooting for them? Don't I want to see a title brought home to the city? Sure, by my team. I could and will not be able to handle the obnoxious taunts of both real and fairweather Sox fans should they bring the title home. I have never berated a true Sox fan - I have berated bandwagon and fairweather fans though. They will crawl from the woodwork if the Sox win like cockroaches that must be squashed.

Why the Astros? Why not? They fought hard and really have played heads-up ball. They deserve it as much as the Sox. So, I will cheer for Houston, a fellow division team and shout with joy when they make the Go Go Sox go.

calls, christians, carnality, and cartoons

Gentle readers, are you guys lucky today. No, that was not a question, that was an observation about the cornucopia of things you are going to read today. I am feeling rather wordy today and had a lot of interesting observations. Let's begin, shall we?

First, I was on public transportation today. It's quick, it's cheap, and I hate driving to the city. Being that it is public transportation, I have grown rather accustomed to certain annoyances (nail trimming, booger picking, ass scratching, etc. - yes - people do this on the train). What I still have trouble with is cell phones. I accept that I have to share my ride, that's why it's called PUBLIC transportation. I can even understand the short business call, or the "I'm on my way" call. What gets irritating is the guy or gal who sets up their mobile office and conducts, in a LOUD voice, all their business. If you haven't completed your work at the office, stay the FUCK there and finish it. I don't really care if Jack in Kansas fouled up the shipping order, or if Susie in accounting has to check those numbers. Fuck off - we are trying to get home and be AWAY from work. What is worse is the person who talks for the entire train ride to a friend about absolutely nothing. Ignore it, you say? Oh, if only I could, but this person also is an ass clown with no concept of personal borders. Also, this person says things that I wouldn't even say alone without making sure no one else could hear (possible topics: who's fucking who, whether your friend has genital warts, etc.) Whenever people like me complain about these cell phone users, the response is always, "hey, it's public transportation." Yeah, and you, cell phone fuck face, are part of the public, not its entirety. Hang up the phone bitches.

So while Suzy the Whore is on her phone call, I read two interesting stories about God in the paper. The first story was about a woman who lost everything in New Orleans because of Katrina. So this destroyed woman did what anyone would do. She went to the casino, put $20 on a slot machine, and of course, won $1.6 million. First, WTF? Maybe I am just rational, but why blow your money in a casino and reinforce stereotypes. However, this is not the good part. The good part is knowing that God is going to smite this woman again. What does she say to the press after she wins? She says, "My feeling about this win is better than being blessed." Allow me to translate what she really said, "Fuck you God, I'm back on top." After reading this fantastic piece of faith, I turn two pages and get another religious shock. Apparently, we are so lazy that we need the Bible translated into the imporant language of "cell phone slang." This warrants attention because the Bible Society of Australia has undertaken the task of translating all 31,173 verses of the Bible into cell phone speak (4 God so luvd da wrld.) . Apparently, after God smacks down this New Orleans woman, he is going to have knock on Australia's door. Do we need this kind of translation? I don't know, but if there's any money in it, please look for my pig latin version of the Bible (it comes with a free slot machine token).

I finished my business downtown and met up with TJ, his husband, and their son. We rode the train back to my town so that I could take them over to TJ's sisters. This part of my post is about gay marriage because the discussion began on the train, when some woman asked the three of us who was the father of the "cute, little baby." TJ explained that he and Brian were the dads. This woman was angry and taken aback. She and TJ had words and I chimed in. TJ is my friend, and I love him like a brother (Brian's okay too, but I knew TJ longer). I thought about my own close-mindedness when I was younger. And I thought, "this baby right here is getting a taste of hatred and unreasoned bigotry." Now, I am not a poster child or a cause person, but I don't really get this hatred of gay marriage. Who cares? Decades ago, blacks and whites couldn't marry. Marriage has caused more problems that it helps, so why not let people marry whom they love. My real fear is this - there are yahoos who want to amend the US Constitution to define marriage. FUCK THAT!!! If we start down this road, we are going to use the constitution to define and regulate all sorts of things unrelated to marriage. Please don't allow that to happen. Remember the last time the Constitution was used to define behavior - it was called Prohibition. Be careful when you let blind ignorance lead you, because it can lead down thorny paths.

I want to leave you gentle reader with some pleasant thoughts. Cartoons. I love cartoons, but I always had some random thoughts about them. Don't get all hostile if you have heard this before - I am not a genius and other people can make the same observations that I have. First off, why does Donald Duck put on a towel after he leaves the shower? He never wears pants. Does his duck cock show when he is wet? Who knows. And do you remember Donald's nephews, Huey, Duey, and Lewey? They would visit Donald and they would visit Uncle Scrooge. However, where the fuck did these duck kids live? Don't they have parents? One more Disney one - Goofy. Goofy is a talking dog. He is also a racist. Why, you ask? Mickey had Pluto, a dog. Goofy never complained, and even pet Pluto on his head. As if saying, I can talk, therefore, I am better than you. Say it ain't say, Goof. I always wanted Tom to catch Jerry and Wily Coyote to catch the Roadrunner - I just did. But then I thought, "where are these animals getting the money to order these weapons and traps? why don't they just go to Denny's?" Finally, the Jetsons piss me off to no end. Elroy went to school and still used pencil and paper - this is future folks - he should doing homework telepathically. They still used paper money - again - it's the future. And, they all had flying cars, but there was always a traffic jam making George late for work or for dinner. George, you have a flying fucking car - go around the jam. In fact, no one should be jammed. Some of my critics say that there has to be order in the future. WRONG! These cars can fly!!!!!

Later all.

Another twofer, and its a visual

TJ comes throught with another piece of humor (it's funny because he's gay)