Guest Blog - Snowmantics -or- How to Entice a Woman to Love You Throught the Art of Snow

From time to time, I like to let my friends guest author my blog. This blog was written by Benjamin Miller of Glen Ellyn, Illinois. (I take no responsibility for spelling, grammar, or content.)

Snowmantics, or “snow-romantics” as some earlier history books call it, has been around since the rise of the Pax Romana. Julius Caesar, or “the father of Snowmantisism” as he is more commonly called, created the first snow-sculptured heart, a feat only Leonardo Da’Vinci could replicate after extensive years of trial and error. In the original manuscript written by William Shakespeare, Mark Anthony says “Romans, fellow countrymen, lend me your ears, I am not hear to praise the father of Snowmantics, I am here to bury him”. Unfortunately later revisions cut out this crucial fact in history. But it was not Julius Caesar that started this pandemic of snowmanticitous infecting this world, oh no. It was another man, a man so bold that he took Snowmantics to the next level. This man had a vision, a dream, this man is an artist, an author, this man is Ben Miller.

Now, Why, you say? Well, as the only certified snowmantic instructor I feel privileged to teach all you perspiring…I mean aspiring Snowmantic blue belts the ways of the sensei. But before you seduce that special woman with a heart felt saying in the snow, we must first go over some rules and guide lines.

Types of snow

- White Snow (normal)

- Yellow Snow (not normal for obvious reasons)

- Red Snow (Usually the result of a not so lucky animal)

- Black Snow (Usually dirt or dare I say…)

- Rainbow Snow (Rare in most parts of the world, this type of snow only appears in the late days of July)

The use of different types of snow in different areas of your message or work of art gives the masterpiece a sense of brilliance and will add to the overall effect on the viewer. For example, if you wanted to create a sun, you wouldn’t use white snow, the use of yellow snow would bring life to the otherwise dull look of a white picture. Also, a Santa can easily be made with a skillful mixture of red and white snow. If you are looking to create a magnificent sunset all you need is the red, yellow and black snow. To create the full affect of a sunset, first mix the yellow and red snow to make orange snow, do the same for the red and the black…yes they will make purple. If any of these colors are not on hand, try Ebay for rainbow snow, which solves all problems (just like duct tape). But the use of colors also has a darker side, and no, I am not talking about midnight snowmantic pranks. The over use of colors can actually detract the “Wow factor” of your desired message to your significant other. Most amateurs go for the A+ but instead over use that yellow snow.

Now, snow color is just one factor in the ways of Snowmantics, the use of “slush” for lack of a better name and a mental picture, can be just as versatile. But that’s not the subject of this paragraph, o no, who ever thought that was my next subject, well….YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D! Yes that’s right, punk’d. Now I know what your thinking “ok lets just get to the next subject” so for all the people out there who wont let me go on and rant about stuff, hears the real subject of this paragraph. To cause, I mean spare confusion I will indent twice to signal the real first sentence of this paragraph.

(once) (twice)

Now that you have your color of snow picked out and gathered from various places around town its time to choose a “font” to write your message in. From writing a love poem to go along with snowman sculpture to signing your name under a snow version of “Water Lily Pond” by Claude Monet, The choice of Font is crucial to the “enticing” part of Snowmantics. Your font choice for a lover might go as follows.

What Is Love?

Love is a shy smile,
a sweet hello,
a soft caress...

Love is two hands entwined,
a lingering kiss,
a swelling of the heart...

Love is undeniable,
unforgettable,
unimaginable,
and what every heart yearns for...

A French script might do well for this poem, but I must warn you, from experience, being a dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem doesn’t make you romantic, it’s the dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem written (in snow) with a dashing, romantic font that makes you dashingly romantic, or for a more professional term, Snowmantic. As you can see, font is what makes love not the poem, for example, same font as above:

If I Created the Alphabet I would put U and I together - As you can see, its utterly snowmantic!

If you are looking for something more than just a really cool poem, or a million dollar replica of a work of art try building a sculpture. Maybe a snowman and a snowwoman holding hands….awww how cute.

If holding hands and making up words like snowwoman is not for you try doing what good O’l Charlie Brown did, or rather Julius Caesar did, make a heart (with red snow of course!). If none of these things seem to fit your personality your probably not a very snowmantic person. But don’t worry because I have a fail proof, school appropriate sculpture for you. I know what your thinking, “Wow thanks Ben, your amazing” and so I say, “ Your very welcome, (Name)”. I will now unveil my sculpture idea for the world……A pair of shoes! But don’t forget the crucial caption “I will buy these for you if you go to homecoming with me”. I cant stress enough about not forgetting the caption. Without it, its just shoes….and a lot of angry woman.

Snowmantics is not about angering woman, its about sending their hearts a flutter with a subtle message of love and a sculpted rose to show her how much she means to you, how much you care. Snowmantics is not just a way for a man to express his love for a woman, it is an art, an art I hope you all who are reading this will perfect. Snowmantics is poetry, it is a never ending fairytale of Snow White (hehe, SNOW white, get it?) and a lesser known fairy tale “ Of the palace of the snow queen and what happened there at last” by Hans Christian Andersen (again snow…not funny, tough crowd…..it was the only other fairy tale I could find, give me a break). Just remember, Snowmantics is a way of life, live it and follow its path and your life will be fulfilled, and if you abuse it, it will be gone by summer (how do you like that for justice!) As one former Snowmantics sensei said “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know”. Though this quote seems obsolete to you it makes perfect sense to me. This quote is actually a cryptic message, if you take out all the letter except the one’s used to spell Snowmantics, you can actually spell Snowmantics, isn’t that cool! So now I leave with one final thought, to be dashingly romantic, you mustn’t forget the three rules of Snowmantics, Snow color, Font, and sculptures. If you remember these rules you will be on you way to being a dashingly romantic person, or as I like to put it, Snowmantic.

My Future Wife

Okay, so in my many days of lousy dates and bad relationships, I have clung to a dream. That dream is that I would marry Chicago rocker Liz Phair (a dream that I may never be able to realize). As a side story that dream, I have always had a secret love of singer Lisa Loeb (the one who sang "Stay" from Reality Bites). She's quirky, hip, a beautiful singer, and she is just all-around hot!

Like the answer to a prayer, E! Entertainment Television gives me hope. (The following information is from the Hollywood Reporter, November 15, 2005): Yesterday, E! greenlighted an unscripted series that will follow newly single singer-songwriter Lisa Loeb as she re-enters the dating world. The eight-episode series, titled "#1 Single," will feature Loeb as she moves back to New York and starts dating again for the first time since college. The half-hour series is set to premiere in January. Meanwhile, the Grammy-nominated Loeb said she believes the show will be a way to "connect with more people on a larger scale." "I decided to do this TV series because what I do as a musician and songwriter is connect to an audience, so why not take that to another level," Loeb said. (end credit to Hollywood Reporter)

Okay, so why wasn't I informed of this series so I could be one of the dates. Lisa and I could sing together (I am a karaoke whore). Plus we are both quirky oddballs who are cute enough to get by on that. I will watch the show and critique the losers (who are not me) who try to win her heart.

So, no Liz Phair, and I missed the boat on Lisa Loeb. On to celebrity crush number 3 - Eve Plumb (ya, Jan from the Brady Bunch). Yes, she's hot too, so lump it if ya don't like it.

Oh God!

Well world, we are in trouble. God is the new Prada for late 2000s. He is everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time. He has been reduced to a catchphrase or bandied about like a volleyball. What has me all tiraded up? Please allow me to begin.

1) Intelligent Design: I for one am a big fan of teaching people as much information as their little brains can store. I believe in evolution and yes, I can reconcile those beliefs with the creation story in the Bible. This is what some would call "intelligent design." However, my thought process is quite a bit deeper than that, pondering such non-evolutionary topics as the soul, how the mind keeps certain secrets, why yellow and blue make green. What the media has come to define "intelligent design" as is really just a thinly veiled attempt to bring creationism into schools. And why shouldn't creationism be taught in schools? I am all for separation of church and state, but if we want to make a bright line rule, then Greek and Roman mythology have to go. I mean, the Greeks and the Romans believed that the earth (Gaia) sprung forth from Chaos and gave birth to the sea (Pontus) and the sky (Uranus). If we can teach our children these stories, why can't we teach them about creationism? Don't we want our children to be critical thinkers and wonder and dream? I do.

2) Michael Newdow - He is an atheist. In 2003, he sued a California school because his daughter was forced to say the Pledge of Allegiance with the phrase "Under God." (Despite the fact that the daughter said she herself had no problem with the pledge.) Yes, the phrase "Under God" was added to the pledge and the phrase "In God We Trust" was added to our money in direct response to the Communist scare of the 1950s. However, it's there. The Court punted Newdow's claim because he was not the custodial parent of the daughter. Now, moments ago, Newdow stated that he was going to sue the U.S. Treasury to have "In God We Trust" removed from our money because it is forcing a religious viewpoint on the population. Here is where I am torn. I love when people challenge our government - it keeps them on their toes. However, I dislike Michael Newdow. He is a media attention whore, in my opinion. He is a failed lawyer, in my opinion. I bet you that Mr. Newdow spends that money whether it has that phrase on it or not. A real atheist trying to stick it to our government wouldn't even use our money. So what do we gain from this lawsuit? More taxpayer money spent on something frivolous because the Court is just going to toss the suit. And Michael Newdow gets more publicity. Hey Mikey, are ya gonna sue Major League Baseball for having singers perform "God Bless America" during the 7th Inning Stretch?

3) Bush and the Christian Right - Somehow, George Bush has a direct hotline to God. I can't believe it, but even God must get bored and want a good laugh from time to time. Everything Bush does or says has some twinge of christian conservatism to it. I mean Bush even heard God tell him to invade Iraq because they had WMDs. I have met some people who have had conversations with God. They smell funny (like cheap wine) and are often seen arguing with invisible people miles away. God must be pleased with the new Supreme Court nominee. I would ask Him, but He is apparently playing racquetball with Bush at 4 o'clock today.

4) Weather and Other Disasters - Here are some things God has been accredited with (or blamed for): the World Trade Center disaster, Hurricane Katrina, Oklahoma City bombing, the New England blizzards. Why is He blamed for them or given credit for them? Because we are sinners and we must be punished. We fornicate, we steal, we lie, we cheat, and some of us have relations with the same gender. Get a fucking grip people. God is not punishing people for this. The terrorist attacks were caused by fucked up religious freaks who cant' see people with differences. Katrina was a weather disaster. But Sean, you say, clearly New Orleans was a sinful place and God decided to wash it away. WRONG!!! First of all, the most sinful parts of New Orleans (let us not be throwing stones) were untouched by Katrina. Second, God promised us no more floods and he sealed that promise with the rainbow. See Genesis 9:12-17. I implore the overly religious to read that book (the Bible, in case they don't know to what book I refer) - they just might see that God actually loves us and probably might get a kick out of seeing his name on our greenbacks.

Wow, that was more religious than I planned to be, but sometimes, you gotta shake people up to get some thoughts moving. Add a comment, if you want to say something on this topic.

Did You Know . . . Part 3

I still get requests for more stupid facts, but I think maybe some people just like the smart ass comments I make. So here goes:

• One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year. Yes, and they are all customer service reps for American companies.
• Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year. We are obviously overpaying a certain percentage of the population.
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. Fuck you is the shortest response to someone who uses words like this.
• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. Honestly, who is tracking this? I doubt the Transportation Safety Administration is, so it must be the American Donkey Association of America.
• The continents names all end with the same letter with which they start. Okay, this fact is just wrong. North America? South America? You can't cheat and remove the North or South! There are 7 continents. But this works for the other 5.
• Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time. Or just outrun your friend.
• If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. You want to try this as much as I do.
• A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. See what you can learn when you are completely drunk!
• All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Potheads.
• The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe. It's called "number sign", you pretentious ass.
• On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. Jane was obviously a slut.
• The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. Just like most car horns. This music guy must just test everything and say, "yep, that's the key of F"
• Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus. If you know this much about Sesame Street, you are either gay or a pedophile or have no friends, maybe all 3.
  

Church Signs

You ever drive down the road and see funny church signs (or see ones that you could make funny by changing a few letters)? Well, there is a website that now allows you to make your own signs (www.churchsigngenerator.com)
Here is mine:

funny ass pics

These are some fucking funny pics I found on the internet. Enjoy them, bitches!

Did You Know . . . part 2

Yet another session of Did You Know, with more comments by me . . . .

• To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. The Romans were harsh, but they had a thing for the balls - makes you wonder what the word would be if women had to swear on their tits.
  
• During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles. I would want this documented to. "Yep, I stormed the hill at Iwo Jima, and I got three nuts, bitches."
  
• Benito Mussolini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles. Ya right, he was whacking off and we all know it.
  
• Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle. They must have lied in a Roman court.
  
• Impotence is legal grounds for divorce in 24 American states. Is being a total bitch grounds for divorce in those same states.
  
• The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. Founding Fathers rocking the ganj.
  
• 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy ) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. They are not, however, the only Disney cartoons where there are no Jews.
  
• The Soviet Sukhoi-34 is the first strike fighter with a toilet in it. When you have to shit, you have to shit.
  
• Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox. Which may be the location of his missing testicle.
  
• 'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel. Fucking scrabble players.
  
• 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. Good news for those of you searching for internet porn.
• The tango originated as a dance between two men (for partnering practice). Is that a euphemism for fucking?? Argh.
  
• The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets. And what is the name of Los Angeles' football team?
  
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Unless he is married.
  
• "Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occuring, relax and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum speed and when it hits the ground it's rib cage absorbs most of the impact. So throw your cat off a building today!" Sounds good. I hate cats and there are plenty of 7-story buildings in the suburbs.
  

Did You Know?

The web is the best place to find useless facts, besides my sick brain. Here are some interesting facts:

---

• Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. And yet she has no vagina
  
• The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY. Anyone up for a trip to New York state - bring a black mask and a rope
  
• The Swiss flag is square. So are the Swiss.
  
• The three largest land-owners in England are the Queen, the Church of England and Trinity College, Cambridge. No wonder they lost the Revolutionary War.
  
• The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula. Wasn't this a joke on Seinfeld?
  
• Emus cannot walk backwards. Neither can some humans
  
• It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. And some moron spent time figuring this out?
  
• Both writer Edgar Allen Poe and LSD advocate Timothy Leary were kicked out of West Point. Probably because they were trying to find the silver stash.
  
• The only city whose name can be spelled completely with vowels is Aiea, Hawaii, located approximately twelve miles west of Honolulu. The use of the word "whose" is troubling. This is a city, not a human. The correct word would be "that's".
• Parthenogenesis is the term used to describe the process by which certain animals are able to reproduce themselves in successive female generations without intervention of a male of the species. At least one species of lizard is known to do so. They are called lesbians in the human world.
  
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. Cats suck!!!
  
• "Quisling" is the only word in the English language to start with "quis." Who is Quisling you ask? He was a Nazi collaborator who ran occupied Norway. If you call a Norwegian a "quisling," be prepared to see these usually docile people kick your ass.
  
• The common goldfish is the only animal that can see both infra-red and ultra-violet light. Big whoop. They have a 5-second memory, so they would forget the cool shit they just saw.
  
• Linn's Stamp News is the world's largest weekly newspaper for stamp collectors. Linn has no friends, obviously.
  
• Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S. And that jello contains a bit of vodka to numb the pain of living in the most boring city in the U.S.
  
• Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F. Someone actually was bored enought to figure that out.
  
• Camel's milk does not curdle. And it makes great cheese too.
  
• Oliver Cromwell was hanged and decapitated two years after he had died. So, the English have always been a little slow.
  
• Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney logo. And he hated Jews!!
  
• The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. Let's send some mules to Iraq.
  
• Images for picture stamps in the United States are commissioned by the United States Postal Service Department of Philatelic Fulfillment. Sounds like a euphemism for masturbation, but then again, we are talking about stamp collectors.
  
• The lot numbers for the cyanide-tainted Tylenol capsules scare back in 1982 were MC2880 and 1910MD. If you still have Tylenol from 1982, you should take them and leave this world a better place you lazy fuck.
  
• Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. Smart people in Vermont.
  
• The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a senator. He also had sex with this same horse.
  
• The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself." Then you chug two pints of Guinness and beat your mom up.
  
• Giraffes have no vocal cords. They got a long neck, give them a break.
• Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. Which is why I think we should kick Ohio out of the Union
  
• A-1 Steak Sauce contains both orange peel and raisins. And other assorted items found in the garbage
  
• The poisonous copperhead smells likefresh cut cucumbers. Which is how they found out the snake was poisonous too.
  
• In Disney's "Fantasia", the Sorcerer's name is "Yensid" (Disney backwards.) Sounds Jewish to me.
• Anne Boleyn had six fingernails on one hand. And no head after marrying the King of England.
  
• A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened. Too easy to do a sexual joke.
• Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". Which is American for "America, Jr."
  
• Ralph Lauren's original name was Ralph Lifshitz. Which is why he didn't work for Walt Disney.
  
• Alexander Hamilton was shot by Aaron Burr in the groin. Who shoots a guy in the dick?
  
• Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. He is also the first to ever eat the Pulitzer Prize.
  
• Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. This was obviously discovered by a pothead.
  
• If you were standing in the northernmost point in the contiguous (48) states, you'd be standing in Minnesota. And wondering what the fuck you were doing there.
  
• The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Explains why Ford sucks.
  
• The Dodge brothers Horace and John were Jewish, that's why the first Dodge emblem had a star of David in it. Walt Disney never drove a Dodge.
  
• A flea expert is a pullicologist. And certainly not married.
  
• A bear has 42 teeth. You can count them as they eat your appendages - they like that.
  
• The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. Because cats suck.
  
• Charlie Brown's father was a barber. Too bad Charlie was bald.
  
• Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously. Who is trying this out? Honestly. But I hear you can smoke nutmeg
  
• Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union. See, I am not the only one trying to get rid of Ohio.
  
• It is a misdemeanor to kill or threaten a butterfly -- so says City Ordinance No. 352 in Pacific Grove, California. Who threatens a butterfly? Also, I wanna meet the cop who writes a ticket for this - and punch him in the head.
• If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode. What sick bastard found this out?
  
• The Amazon rainforest produces half the world's oxygen supply. Women in the U.S. consume half that oxygen supply.
  
• Reindeer like to eat bananas. A common food found in the Yukon.
  
• Starfish don't have brains. Same as some people I know.
• Shrimps' hearts are in their heads. Same as some people I know.
  
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. This is a cartoon, c'mon.
  
• Coca-Cola was originally green. So.
  
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. And yet the Treasury plays the game better.
  
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. No explanation necessary.
  

God never closes a door . . .

without throwing you out the window. So, I got rejected from a job in the legal department of a major retailer after 3 months of being in consideration. Boy do I feel like a fucking jackass. I bought their lines ("You're defintely still in the running." "You are extremely qualified for this job.") Women don't fall for lines as easily as I did. Then, I got shut out of a job with a family law firm in Wheaton. WTF? I am some kind of diseased lawyer, apparently. Maybe I should set up my law practice at the local high school - lots of underage drinkers there.

So, ya, the old addage is "God never closes a door without opening a window." God, if you happen to be reading this, and I know you are because you dig my blogs too, how about opening a window? You have certainly closed enough doors. (Just kidding God - you rock!). In any event, if you need a good lawyer in Illinois, give me a call or comment.

Houston . . . We Have A Penant

I am a Cubs fan. Have been since I was five. Never gonna be anything other than that - Cubs fan above all else. Also though, I am a Bosox fan, because I love the AL too. I was a Bosox fan long before their world series win. They take second place to the Cubs though.

So, the White Sox have made the Series. Good for them. Will I be rooting for them since I am a Chicago Cubs fan? Fuck no!!! Sox fans have made jokes at my team's expense. They have questioned me about every little piece of Cubs trivia they could google, just to see if I am for real. Bitches please, I bleed Cubbie blue. If you have never been to my house, the upstairs loft is a shrine to the Cubs.

So why am I not rooting for them? Don't I want to see a title brought home to the city? Sure, by my team. I could and will not be able to handle the obnoxious taunts of both real and fairweather Sox fans should they bring the title home. I have never berated a true Sox fan - I have berated bandwagon and fairweather fans though. They will crawl from the woodwork if the Sox win like cockroaches that must be squashed.

Why the Astros? Why not? They fought hard and really have played heads-up ball. They deserve it as much as the Sox. So, I will cheer for Houston, a fellow division team and shout with joy when they make the Go Go Sox go.

calls, christians, carnality, and cartoons

Gentle readers, are you guys lucky today. No, that was not a question, that was an observation about the cornucopia of things you are going to read today. I am feeling rather wordy today and had a lot of interesting observations. Let's begin, shall we?

First, I was on public transportation today. It's quick, it's cheap, and I hate driving to the city. Being that it is public transportation, I have grown rather accustomed to certain annoyances (nail trimming, booger picking, ass scratching, etc. - yes - people do this on the train). What I still have trouble with is cell phones. I accept that I have to share my ride, that's why it's called PUBLIC transportation. I can even understand the short business call, or the "I'm on my way" call. What gets irritating is the guy or gal who sets up their mobile office and conducts, in a LOUD voice, all their business. If you haven't completed your work at the office, stay the FUCK there and finish it. I don't really care if Jack in Kansas fouled up the shipping order, or if Susie in accounting has to check those numbers. Fuck off - we are trying to get home and be AWAY from work. What is worse is the person who talks for the entire train ride to a friend about absolutely nothing. Ignore it, you say? Oh, if only I could, but this person also is an ass clown with no concept of personal borders. Also, this person says things that I wouldn't even say alone without making sure no one else could hear (possible topics: who's fucking who, whether your friend has genital warts, etc.) Whenever people like me complain about these cell phone users, the response is always, "hey, it's public transportation." Yeah, and you, cell phone fuck face, are part of the public, not its entirety. Hang up the phone bitches.

So while Suzy the Whore is on her phone call, I read two interesting stories about God in the paper. The first story was about a woman who lost everything in New Orleans because of Katrina. So this destroyed woman did what anyone would do. She went to the casino, put $20 on a slot machine, and of course, won $1.6 million. First, WTF? Maybe I am just rational, but why blow your money in a casino and reinforce stereotypes. However, this is not the good part. The good part is knowing that God is going to smite this woman again. What does she say to the press after she wins? She says, "My feeling about this win is better than being blessed." Allow me to translate what she really said, "Fuck you God, I'm back on top." After reading this fantastic piece of faith, I turn two pages and get another religious shock. Apparently, we are so lazy that we need the Bible translated into the imporant language of "cell phone slang." This warrants attention because the Bible Society of Australia has undertaken the task of translating all 31,173 verses of the Bible into cell phone speak (4 God so luvd da wrld.) . Apparently, after God smacks down this New Orleans woman, he is going to have knock on Australia's door. Do we need this kind of translation? I don't know, but if there's any money in it, please look for my pig latin version of the Bible (it comes with a free slot machine token).

I finished my business downtown and met up with TJ, his husband, and their son. We rode the train back to my town so that I could take them over to TJ's sisters. This part of my post is about gay marriage because the discussion began on the train, when some woman asked the three of us who was the father of the "cute, little baby." TJ explained that he and Brian were the dads. This woman was angry and taken aback. She and TJ had words and I chimed in. TJ is my friend, and I love him like a brother (Brian's okay too, but I knew TJ longer). I thought about my own close-mindedness when I was younger. And I thought, "this baby right here is getting a taste of hatred and unreasoned bigotry." Now, I am not a poster child or a cause person, but I don't really get this hatred of gay marriage. Who cares? Decades ago, blacks and whites couldn't marry. Marriage has caused more problems that it helps, so why not let people marry whom they love. My real fear is this - there are yahoos who want to amend the US Constitution to define marriage. FUCK THAT!!! If we start down this road, we are going to use the constitution to define and regulate all sorts of things unrelated to marriage. Please don't allow that to happen. Remember the last time the Constitution was used to define behavior - it was called Prohibition. Be careful when you let blind ignorance lead you, because it can lead down thorny paths.

I want to leave you gentle reader with some pleasant thoughts. Cartoons. I love cartoons, but I always had some random thoughts about them. Don't get all hostile if you have heard this before - I am not a genius and other people can make the same observations that I have. First off, why does Donald Duck put on a towel after he leaves the shower? He never wears pants. Does his duck cock show when he is wet? Who knows. And do you remember Donald's nephews, Huey, Duey, and Lewey? They would visit Donald and they would visit Uncle Scrooge. However, where the fuck did these duck kids live? Don't they have parents? One more Disney one - Goofy. Goofy is a talking dog. He is also a racist. Why, you ask? Mickey had Pluto, a dog. Goofy never complained, and even pet Pluto on his head. As if saying, I can talk, therefore, I am better than you. Say it ain't say, Goof. I always wanted Tom to catch Jerry and Wily Coyote to catch the Roadrunner - I just did. But then I thought, "where are these animals getting the money to order these weapons and traps? why don't they just go to Denny's?" Finally, the Jetsons piss me off to no end. Elroy went to school and still used pencil and paper - this is future folks - he should doing homework telepathically. They still used paper money - again - it's the future. And, they all had flying cars, but there was always a traffic jam making George late for work or for dinner. George, you have a flying fucking car - go around the jam. In fact, no one should be jammed. Some of my critics say that there has to be order in the future. WRONG! These cars can fly!!!!!

Later all.

Another twofer, and its a visual

TJ comes throught with another piece of humor (it's funny because he's gay)

"____________ needs"

Heres what you do:
Go to google.com and type "(your name) needs" Then pick the 5 funniest ones there.

If your name is James, you would put this in to the search engine: "James needs"

you got the idea

This is what you guys do - put your results in the comments section. Do it!!
____________________________________
****************************************************
1. Sean needs to create at least 50 dummy accounts (for all my hidden loot).
2. Sean needs cymbals that cut (cause I am a ninja drummer).
3. Sean needs to get Beet a fair deal (I'm working on it Beet).
4. Sean needs services his parents don't want (ain't it the truth).
5. Sean needs a two parent adoptive family with the time (offer void in Florida).

cigarettes and chocolate milk

George Bush has fucked this country up. Never thought I would have said it, because I voted for the man, but god damn - look at the state our country. Debt, homeless, incompetent officials handling natural disasters. Who ever that first FEMA moron was just shocked me. These things that hit the south are called hurricanes (not the drink, and not the shitty football team from Florida). This is not some new natural disaster. So how the fuck can you, as the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, not know how to deal with it.

Then we have John Roberts, a Christian conservative, who is our Chief Justice. Have you seen his little child Jack? This kid is the fucking antichrist and his mom dresses him up like that Damien kid from the Omen. Now, I am all about God, but I don't think God is going to care about the big cases on the ole' Supreme Court docket this fall. Anna-Nicole Smith's inheritance dispute and a case about whether employers have to pay employees for the time spent putting on uniforms and safety equipment. Are these the monster issues that are plaguing our country? What about illiteracy? Well, look at half of our government officials, and I rest my case. What about gasoline prices? And the plight of the working class? No - I would rather waste taxpayer money seeing whether Hooty McBoob gets her 88 million.

And then he nominates a lawyer with ZERO bench experience. Folks this is known as patronage. This woman, whose name I don't recall, was White House counsel and a Republican supporter. Hmm, rich people giving other rich people jobs. WTF!!

So what can I do about? I am one out of 330 million citizens. Well I tell you what I will do. I am going to rattle cages. I love doing it anyways. I am going to tell you to do the same. Even if you are a Republican and even if you like Mr. Bush, you have to see that he has some flaws. I mean, I am part of neither party, and every politician has flaws. If you believe otherwise, then you deserve to be fleeced.

family fucking circus

This cartoon was just too funny not to put in my blog. God damn family circus.

business is weird, part 2

So, remember I told Cingular owes me money (24 cents to be exact). These fucking geniuses of moden industry have now printed and mailed me a check for 24 cents. It cost them 37 cents to mail this check and it will cost about a dollar to process the check. Now, totalling everything up, including printing costs, it has cost them $2.41 to give me 24 cents. What can I get for this 24 cents? Not FUCKING thing! I swear to God, does George Bush run Cingular too? Think about that as we lose jobs to India and CEOs continue to make outrageous amounts of money. We are being fucked people, and for some reason, we are taking it like a hooker.

Damn man - we need to change this.

A Twofer? What am I thinking?

So, this blog gives you not one, but two distinct thoughts today. Hooray for mental ambiguity.
Story #1
I got to see my boys in Normal again this weekend, which is like watching Van Wilder with no Tara Reid and no cock pump (well, we think Ben has one, but . . .) We had the usual drinking night fun, but Saturday was party night. Our small group, consisting of me, Janet, Ben, Hyde, Charlie, Lisa, and Jaeger Erin (with the occasional pop-in from George), sat and consumed various chemicals. The point is, I sort of stood up like a master of ceremonies/comedian and just let loose with my thoughts. I think that is why I felt so good - I was making people laugh. The end game issue is that I had so much fun and forgot all the shit that wears me down at times. I will keep that feeling for the rest of the week. 705'ers for life!

Story #2
Okay, this is more just an observation. I was at a birthday party for my extended family last night - for cousin Joey and Grandma Grace. Joey got the "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story" DVD, which Big Tom urged Joey to put on the TV. Now, there is Aunt Sherry, grandma and grandpa, Uncle Joe, joey and paula, me, and Barb (who thinks we all have a sick sense of humor). Let me caution you, this DVD has no swears and no nudity, but it is vulgar, something I fucking love. Anyways, the funniest part is watching grandma and grandpa Morris laughing hysterically at some of the crassest and vilest jokes in this DVD. I made me realize that even old people can get a laugh at some dirty humor. There is hope for humanity folks.

Gotta go - Superman II is on and I dig the fight in Times Square.

Karate Jesus and Everything You Wanted to Know about Poop

So, the internet is awesome for really out there stuff. Like this website: http://www.jesusoftheweek.com

My personal favorite is "He Got Game" Jesus, but there is also Karate Jesus. This cracks me up.

Also, here is a funny and informative site about poop: http://smellypoop.com/poop.html

Why put Jesus and poop in the same blog? Why not? If you're not laughing after reading these sites, you're probably dead (or should be).

Later kiddies.

spam in the comments

if you see that I have comments and then see that I have deleted them, it is because they are spam. I don't want spam in my blog, but dammit, they found a way in. Real comments will never be deleted, even they criticize me. Maybe I should sing about the noodles on my back.

story time

A few people have left me some comments on my work, so I thought I would share more writing. I can't share another story because I want people to maybe buy the book (assuming I can find a publisher). However, I wrote an acknowledgements section, so you all can read that:

acknowledgements

I would like to take the time to thank a lot of people. This is like the liner notes on CDs.

Of course, I would like to thank my family members who have encouraged my work over the past years, or at least are aware that I spent some time writing for fun. I love you, Mom. Patrick, shave that soul patch. Hey Pops.

My friends have been there too. Little do you all know how much you have impacted my life and how some of these stories could not exist without you. Thank you. I have some specific thank you’s, but please do not feel bad if I didn’t mention you by name. No sleight is meant. Thanks to Mr. Joe Morgan, my teacher and my advisor for all of his input in crafting my stories and encouraging my work. Hydro – 100% friend through and through – I owe you much, so I will offer you some royalties and a free copy of the book. Thanks to Ty – another superstar – if you need a web designer, contact ty@orangepiranha.com - he’s awesome. KJWood34, Phatsrfr, and Zeta Jill. My first roommate ever, TJ and his husband (ya, he’s a homo, so get over it). And then there is 705 South Franklin – you know who you are.

I would also like to Weyerhauser, Inc. for making such kick-ass paper that I used to print drafts of this book on. Oh, and the U.S. Postal Service because how would I have ever gotten this book to a publisher.

Whoever you may be in that list, you are all the best and I couldn’t be where I am without you. Sounds like an academy awards speech, doesn’t it?

I always loved reading acknowledgements in books; they are little windows into someone’s mind. It also makes you wonder who influenced the author during the book writing process. But you also know there is that one author out there who is waiting to write: “I thank no one. I did it all myself and none of you people are getting a dime from me once I am rich. Go fuck yourself.”

anger management

Did you ever get so mad one day that you just wanted to punch everyone you see? The old lady in front of you who is going 20 mph below the posted speed limit? The bagger at the grocery store who puts the bread in with the soup cans? The next person who asks you something stupid about some problem you are having? Anyone you live with?

Good God, sometimes I think everyone needs a punch in the face. Shit, I probably deserve one at least once a week, if not more. I wish I could pinpoint what set me off today. Maybe it's because it is 20 degrees cooler today than it should be. Maybe it's because I am "definitely still in the running" for a job offer I have been waiting for, but "with HR problems and people's schedules, it may take a couple weeks more." If you need to hire someone, and that person fits the bill well, then hire the goddamn person and put them to work. For fuck's sake, this is not a complex decision.

Anyways, I didn't punch anyone today, even though I clenched my fist about a hundred times. You know why? Cause I can't punch people - they might punch back and they didn't really do anything to me on purpose. They're just stupid. Like me.

That's my story folks, so lump it if you don't like it.

Whoa!?!?!

I got a call yesterday from TJ, my roommate from college. TJ is gay. So what? I can say that now, but at the time, it was not an easy thing for me to accept. I lived in Wheaton, where there is one church for every 10 people. Eventually, TJ became one of my better friends. He lives in California with his husband (no gay marriage questions, just accept the fact that they want to suffer just like every other married person). So, we talk every so often, send Christmas cards, and so on.

What is the point of this blog, and his call for that matter? TJ wanted to let me know that he was coming to visit his family and was going to stop in and visit with me. And, he is bringing his baby son. WHOA!?!?!?! Forget the logistics of how - he has a good friend who is the mommy. I just am happy that he is doing what he wants. Is it a little much for me to take? A little, but who cares. Will his child face a lot of questions? I hope by that time people will have learned to mellow or learned to shut the fuck up. Will his child be loved? God yes, TJ and Brian will be better dads than a lot of dads I know. But they named the boy Aaron - that's kind of a neutral name to me - blah.

Random Thoughts

So, I was thinking of random thoughts and I figured this might be the post that you guys can add comments too. Try to keep it clean if you do. And now - random thoughts:

The Lorax just might come back.
The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series before I die.
Miller Lite is so much better than Budweiser.
Jesus was right, seriously.
Women are like calculus, but just try and figure out their curves.
What if we didn’t have the moon?
What if we had two moons?
Stale goat piss is probably better than Budweiser, too.
Have you ever played Mysteries of Time and Space?
Mata is my good luck charm.
You can actually play Kingdom Hearts for days at a time.
Facebook and MySpace are not addictive, I swear.
Ketchup really can go on hot dogs, so stuff it New Yorkers.
It’s ketchup, not catsup.
It’s pop, not soda.
Even with the hot girls, Fanta still sounds like generic pop.
Dogs are cool, very few cats are.
I never stole a ring pop for my fifth grade girlfriend.
It was a candy necklace.
The enemy of my enemy just might want to be my enemy too.
If you work nights at K-Mart, management might be out to screw you.
Try singing karaoke once in your life.
Trust your friends, but make sure you know whom they are.
I am not politically correct.
Midgets are funny.
Spare a dollar for someone once in while – you might need one too.
Books are hard to write.

Kappa

So I have a buddy who got a job at a strip club. No, he is not stripping. He makes sure the girls don't get harassed. Great job, don't you think? Well, my other buddy went to visit this strip club and met one of the dancers. She was very nice to him and treated him well. He put an away message up - "I just met my future wife - at Kappa." Now, fortunately, my buddy is realistic and his away message is a joke. But he, like all of us, probably holds on to the slim notion that maybe, just maybe, this stripper is different and she wants us. I mean, strippers always talk about having boyfriends. They have to meet these boyfriends somewhere. So I say - hold on to that dream because when I think about love, I always think of strippers.

Business is weird

So, for the second time in as many months, I received notice from Cingular Wireless that the balance on my old account is a credit in the amount of 24 cents. WTF? It has cost them, printing costs excluded, 74 cents to tell me that they owe me 24 cents. I have a new account with Cingular, under the same name and address. Why can't they just transfer that 24 cents over? I will tell you why. Because American businesses are irrational and they do things completely contrary to logic. Like lay off thousands of workers while paying CEOs millions of dollars to run the company into the ground, thus requiring them to lay off more workers. When I hire a plumber to fix stuff and he fucks up my toilet, I don't give him thousands of dollars more and ask him to try again. I fire that moron and get a better guy. Logic is a good thing to use at times, but business doesn't get it. If you don't believe me, ask yourself why the gasoline in the storage tanks at a gas station suddenly becomes more expensive the very second a natural disaster hits or a major holiday is coming. Yep, supply and demand is their excuse. But in the world of economics, price responds to supply and demand, but not in nanoseconds. Gotta go - the CEO is calling me.

Poet and a Prophet

Whew. What a weekend - if there was a time for me to fuck things up with my friends, only I would choose to do it on my birthday, where my friends were all there for me. As I mentioned earlier, I have been writing short stories in an attempt to channel my talents (hahaha) into something more creative. I also have tried to write poems. Poems, to me, are different than stories. (Insert "Duh" here). In a story you have set scenes and create characters and give them a reason to be. Poems are more personal and usually a deeper reflection of the author's own being. So, I again tried my hand at poetry, which is something I have not done since high school.

versus

It’s dark and it's cold and I see an empty soul
When I look at the mirror on the wall
And the light that I need dances just out of my reach
Words are not enough to break my fall

 Quiet and alone as I pull into my home
Throw the keys aside and pour a drink
Swigging down rum and coke and take another toke
Clear my mind so I can sit and think

Nothing left for me to say so I turn and walk away
Close my fist and I punch out the light
The wind can hide my pain as I look into the rain
Put myself to sleep, good night

Crazy Game of Poker

(a short story by me)

Becky Johnson is the prettiest girl at Winfield North High School. She, of course, was the Homecoming Queen, a cheerleader (and co-captain to boot), and treasurer of the senior class. All to be expected from a girl who has everything going for her. Quite oddly enough, she was not happy. She was doing what was expected; however sad, lonely, or just plain empty she felt. Becky's mom always told her that she expected nothing but the best from her daughter.

"Becky, we have to plan a dynamite new cheer for Pack The Place Night," chimed Amy, co-captain of the cheerleading squad, gushing with excitement for the upcoming basketball game.

"Yeah, I am so hoping that Billy Stevens sees me this time," said Tina, another cheerleader, who had a crush on Billy, the starting forward for the basketball team.

"Yeah, sure. We can meet after the student council meeting," replied Becky emptily.

"Great," said Amy and Tina in cheery unison.

They wandered off to their respective classes as the tardy bell rang. Becky slumped into her seat in Spanish class.

"Buenos tardes clase," said Senor Pollock.

"Hola profesor," the class responded in unison.

"Señorita Johnson, cómo estás," inquired Señor Pollock.

"Muy bien, señor," she replied with fake sincerity.

"Bueno. Clase, hoy, nosotros estudiamos el vocabulario de capítulo trés," explained Señor Pollock, as Becky drifted off to sleep.

Becky's dreams were her refuge from what she considered the job of popularity. Lately, however, her daydreams were the place where she met with Danny, Emily, and Sue. To Becky, they were just daydream characters with whom she shared her thoughts and feelings. An outsider might think Becky had gone off her rocker.

"So sweetness, what's new at Winfield West? Did we make the world safe for popularity," asked Danny.

"Danny, why are you such a dick? Becky has a lot of things on her mind and we're supposed to listen and help her out," Emily retorted.

"Or are we supposed to pat her on the head while we're stuck in here until she visits," sneered Sue.

"Guys, my life is tough enough out there. I just want to get away from it all for a while. Can we play cards," Becky sighed.

"Cards with tards. Sounds like a blast," said Danny.

The four of them sat a white table. Becky sat in the clear chair, Danny in the black, Sue in the candy apple red, and Emily in the baby blue. Danny dealt the cards; it was clear that poker was the game.

"Let's up the stakes today," said Sue, "whoever wins this hand gets out of this dream world for a while."

"What a great idea," said Danny in a slow and sinister manner.

"No, that is not what we are here for," reminded Emily.

"Yeah, I don't think that is a good idea," said Becky.

"Well, I don't care what you think. I can leave if you'd like and you can whimper about how hard your life is to Emily," replied Sue.

After some taunting by Danny and Sue, Becky relented to this unusual bet. Seven card stud was Danny's game of choice. As Sue revealed her ace-high full house to win the hand, the class bell brought Becky back from the daydream.

"That was a crazy game of poker," thought Sue as she realized she was in Becky's class.

"Becky, sleep much in class," chuckled Amy.

"Cheat on your boyfriend much at work," replied Becky, right in front of Amy's boyfriend Mike.

"Oh my God," thought Becky as she heard what Sue said with her mouth.

"Stop whining Becky," said Sue internally.

Sue went through the rest of the school day as Becky, including cheerleading practice. Becky was trying her hardest to get Sue to fall asleep. Sue struck a match to light the cigarette she bummed from Jason Blumenthal, the guy Sue always wanted Becky to date. Jason was hardly the right fit for the popular crowd with his army surplus overcoat and black hiking boots.

"Becky, you're smoking. If Coach Kamholtz sees you, you'll get suspended," reprimanded Tina.

"Thanks Tina. Why don't you go suck up to Coach right now, 'cause I'm kinda busy," suggested Becky.

"Becky, what's gotten into you," asked Maria, another member of the squad.

"Oh nothing, just enjoying a little freedom," Becky replied.

Cheerleading was not something Sue ever wanted to do. Neither did Danny, but then again, life sucks being the only male personality in a female body. When "Becky" finally got finished with all the activities at school, she had to go home and finish her homework. Sue handled Spanish with ease, but U.S. History was making her eyes droop. When she woke up, she saw the familiar table and chairs, with Becky, Danny, and Emily waiting to play a few hands.

"What did you do," asked Becky. "If my friends don't kill me tomorrow, they certainly won't speak to me."

"Quit bitching Becky. If you stopped complaining, you might notice how good you got it," shouted Danny.

"Yeah," said Sue, amazed at her agreement with Danny.

"I don't really want to play poker tonight," said Emily.

"Too bad," smiled Danny, "hand's been dealt."

They played 3-2-1, a kind of five card draw where the lowest card in the hand at the end of the game was each player's individual wild card. Becky thought she had the winning hand, the "3" was her wild card and she had a royal flush. Danny smiled as he laid down five aces.

When Becky woke up the next morning, Danny was at the helm. Being a guy personality, he smiled with horny pleasure when he saw Becky’s breasts in the mirror. He fondled her breasts while he showered.

"Um, you can stop that any time," shouted Becky from inside her head.

"I could, but why would I," Danny said laughing.

"This is going to be fun," thought Danny to himself, er herself.

Danny put on Becky's jeans and an Abercrombie sweatshirt. He pulled her hair back into a ponytail and stuffed it under a baseball cap. No make up today. All eyes were on her as she entered the school.

"Becky, is that you," asked Billy Stevens.

"Sure thing bro," Becky replied.

She moved in and kissed Billy right in front of Tina. However, kissing Billy did not feel right. So, Becky moved over to Tina and kissed her. Quite a passionate kiss and "Becky" decided to fondle Tina's breasts, having explored her own in the shower this morning. Billy and the other guys on the basketball team stood there in shock. Becky smiled as she walked off to chemistry class.

"Everyone is talking about your little show this morning in the Senior Commons," said Julie, a fellow cheerleader, as she put her lab equipment away

"Jealous that I didn't kiss you," said Becky sweetly. "I mean, I know how much you like playing for both teams."

"That was a one time thing and you said it didn't bother you," replied Julie.

"Didn't bother me, but it sure seems to bother you," Becky retorted. "See you at practice."

Gym class was the highlight of Danny's day as Becky. He was like a kid in a candy store and no male appendages to draw attention to his visual stimulation. After school, Tina, Julie, and Amy didn't say a word during practice and Becky enjoyed throwing her fellow cheerleaders in the air for the new Pack the Place Night cheer. She went home exhausted and fell asleep after finishing her biology homework.

"Ahhh. You women have the life," said Danny as he pulled up his black chair to the table. "I think I'll win again tonight."

"No more betting." said Becky. "You guys are ruining my life."

"You're not happy popular. You're not happy when we give you a rest. You're not happy with anything," Sue responded. "By the way Danny, nice move with Billy and Tina today."

"Yeah, and thanks for making Julie totally freaked out today," added Becky.

"Just relax. I was having some fun," said Danny.

"Let's play some cards," said Emily to shock of the other three. "Somebody's gonna have to put things right."

"Well, how 'bout some strip poker tonight," suggested Danny.

"I think you've seen enough boobs today," Becky retorted.

"Oh yeah," said Danny smiling.

Emily dealt the cards for Baseball, another odd poker game that would take to long to explain. The cards fell in Emily's favor and she won Becky's body for the day.

"Don't worry Becky, I'll fix things," explained Emily.

"Just have a normal day, please," begged Becky.

Becky woke this morning under Emily's control. Emily found a baby blue sundress and some white sneakers. She made breakfast for her parents and they talked about all sorts of things. Her parents were stunned because Becky usually rushed to school to slug down a Slimfast in the cafeteria with her friends.

"Hey guys," said Becky to her friends and teammates sitting in the Commons.

"Um, hi," said Amy. "Do you need something?"

"No, I just wanted to apologize for the last couple days. Things have been so hectic that I just don't know where my head was at," explained Becky.

"Or your mouth," said Tina.

"I'm really sorry," said Becky, "I don't know what I was thinking."

"Well maybe you should think about the Pack the Place game and how we have a reputation to uphold," said Amy as she gathered her books and left.

"This is going to be tough," thought Emily.

"No doubt," shouted Becky from the white table.

"Becky" wandered through the rest of her day, trying to make amends for Danny and Sue's behavior. Most people just ignored Becky's behavior - she was the most popular girl in school, after all. Even Amy, Julie, and Tina were coming around after relentless pursuit by Emily "Becky." Billy Stevens and Jason Blumenthal couldn't wait to talk to Becky and they cornered her at the same time.

"Uh Becky, could I talk to you," asked Jason.

"Sure Jason," said Becky, as Billy ran up behind her and hugged her.

"But if you're busy, I could come back," replied Jason.

"Naw dude, chill for a minute. I just gotta ask Becky a question," said Billy.

"Oh no," thought Emily.

"Becky, I was thinking we should go out to a movie Friday night, ok," suggested Billy. Jason's eyes sank deeper into his head.

"Um sure," said Becky. Emily did not know if Becky wanted to do this. Billy ran off with the rest of his teammates. Jason, too, began to walk away.

"Jason wait," called Becky.

"Nah, it's ok," said Jason dejectedly.

"Jason, do you wanna go out for a smoke after school," asked Becky. Emily didn't smoke, but she figured she could smooth over Jason's ego if Becky shared a cigarette with him.

"Cool," said Jason with a small smile.

Emily got home and couldn't wait to get out of Becky's body. She took a nap as soon as she walked into her house. Nobody was waiting at the table. Emily was confused, but Sue and Becky walked in from opposite directions.

"Where's Danny," asked Emily.

"He's looking at my lockerroom memories," said Becky as she shook her head. "How did the day go?"

"Everything is fine," said Emily. "I had a cigarette with Jason after class and we are going to the movies with Billy on Friday."

"Oh shit," said Becky.

"What," asked Sue.

"Tina is in love with Billy. Remember, or were you guys sleeping when Tina told us, I mean, me this," explained Becky.

"Well, he's not my type, but Tina sure is," said Danny, looking quite satisfied.

"No, we're done with you guys taking the reins of my body," said Becky.

"Care to bet on that," Danny inquired.

“No,” Becky shouted.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun,” taunted Danny.

"This is it. If I win, you guys give up on trying my body on for size," said Becky.

"You're on," said Danny and Sue, with Emily looking over their shoulders.

Emily dealt a simple hand of five card stud. After the betting was done, the winning hand was three jacks. The next day, Becky had a cigarette with Jason Blumenthal by bike racks.