Guest Blog - Snowmantics -or- How to Entice a Woman to Love You Throught the Art of Snow

From time to time, I like to let my friends guest author my blog. This blog was written by Benjamin Miller of Glen Ellyn, Illinois. (I take no responsibility for spelling, grammar, or content.)

Snowmantics, or “snow-romantics” as some earlier history books call it, has been around since the rise of the Pax Romana. Julius Caesar, or “the father of Snowmantisism” as he is more commonly called, created the first snow-sculptured heart, a feat only Leonardo Da’Vinci could replicate after extensive years of trial and error. In the original manuscript written by William Shakespeare, Mark Anthony says “Romans, fellow countrymen, lend me your ears, I am not hear to praise the father of Snowmantics, I am here to bury him”. Unfortunately later revisions cut out this crucial fact in history. But it was not Julius Caesar that started this pandemic of snowmanticitous infecting this world, oh no. It was another man, a man so bold that he took Snowmantics to the next level. This man had a vision, a dream, this man is an artist, an author, this man is Ben Miller.

Now, Why, you say? Well, as the only certified snowmantic instructor I feel privileged to teach all you perspiring…I mean aspiring Snowmantic blue belts the ways of the sensei. But before you seduce that special woman with a heart felt saying in the snow, we must first go over some rules and guide lines.

Types of snow

- White Snow (normal)

- Yellow Snow (not normal for obvious reasons)

- Red Snow (Usually the result of a not so lucky animal)

- Black Snow (Usually dirt or dare I say…)

- Rainbow Snow (Rare in most parts of the world, this type of snow only appears in the late days of July)

The use of different types of snow in different areas of your message or work of art gives the masterpiece a sense of brilliance and will add to the overall effect on the viewer. For example, if you wanted to create a sun, you wouldn’t use white snow, the use of yellow snow would bring life to the otherwise dull look of a white picture. Also, a Santa can easily be made with a skillful mixture of red and white snow. If you are looking to create a magnificent sunset all you need is the red, yellow and black snow. To create the full affect of a sunset, first mix the yellow and red snow to make orange snow, do the same for the red and the black…yes they will make purple. If any of these colors are not on hand, try Ebay for rainbow snow, which solves all problems (just like duct tape). But the use of colors also has a darker side, and no, I am not talking about midnight snowmantic pranks. The over use of colors can actually detract the “Wow factor” of your desired message to your significant other. Most amateurs go for the A+ but instead over use that yellow snow.

Now, snow color is just one factor in the ways of Snowmantics, the use of “slush” for lack of a better name and a mental picture, can be just as versatile. But that’s not the subject of this paragraph, o no, who ever thought that was my next subject, well….YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D! Yes that’s right, punk’d. Now I know what your thinking “ok lets just get to the next subject” so for all the people out there who wont let me go on and rant about stuff, hears the real subject of this paragraph. To cause, I mean spare confusion I will indent twice to signal the real first sentence of this paragraph.

(once) (twice)

Now that you have your color of snow picked out and gathered from various places around town its time to choose a “font” to write your message in. From writing a love poem to go along with snowman sculpture to signing your name under a snow version of “Water Lily Pond” by Claude Monet, The choice of Font is crucial to the “enticing” part of Snowmantics. Your font choice for a lover might go as follows.

What Is Love?

Love is a shy smile,
a sweet hello,
a soft caress...

Love is two hands entwined,
a lingering kiss,
a swelling of the heart...

Love is undeniable,
unforgettable,
unimaginable,
and what every heart yearns for...

A French script might do well for this poem, but I must warn you, from experience, being a dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem doesn’t make you romantic, it’s the dashing, romantic man with a dashing, romantic poem written (in snow) with a dashing, romantic font that makes you dashingly romantic, or for a more professional term, Snowmantic. As you can see, font is what makes love not the poem, for example, same font as above:

If I Created the Alphabet I would put U and I together - As you can see, its utterly snowmantic!

If you are looking for something more than just a really cool poem, or a million dollar replica of a work of art try building a sculpture. Maybe a snowman and a snowwoman holding hands….awww how cute.

If holding hands and making up words like snowwoman is not for you try doing what good O’l Charlie Brown did, or rather Julius Caesar did, make a heart (with red snow of course!). If none of these things seem to fit your personality your probably not a very snowmantic person. But don’t worry because I have a fail proof, school appropriate sculpture for you. I know what your thinking, “Wow thanks Ben, your amazing” and so I say, “ Your very welcome, (Name)”. I will now unveil my sculpture idea for the world……A pair of shoes! But don’t forget the crucial caption “I will buy these for you if you go to homecoming with me”. I cant stress enough about not forgetting the caption. Without it, its just shoes….and a lot of angry woman.

Snowmantics is not about angering woman, its about sending their hearts a flutter with a subtle message of love and a sculpted rose to show her how much she means to you, how much you care. Snowmantics is not just a way for a man to express his love for a woman, it is an art, an art I hope you all who are reading this will perfect. Snowmantics is poetry, it is a never ending fairytale of Snow White (hehe, SNOW white, get it?) and a lesser known fairy tale “ Of the palace of the snow queen and what happened there at last” by Hans Christian Andersen (again snow…not funny, tough crowd…..it was the only other fairy tale I could find, give me a break). Just remember, Snowmantics is a way of life, live it and follow its path and your life will be fulfilled, and if you abuse it, it will be gone by summer (how do you like that for justice!) As one former Snowmantics sensei said “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know”. Though this quote seems obsolete to you it makes perfect sense to me. This quote is actually a cryptic message, if you take out all the letter except the one’s used to spell Snowmantics, you can actually spell Snowmantics, isn’t that cool! So now I leave with one final thought, to be dashingly romantic, you mustn’t forget the three rules of Snowmantics, Snow color, Font, and sculptures. If you remember these rules you will be on you way to being a dashingly romantic person, or as I like to put it, Snowmantic.