Karate Jesus and Everything You Wanted to Know about Poop

So, the internet is awesome for really out there stuff. Like this website: http://www.jesusoftheweek.com

My personal favorite is "He Got Game" Jesus, but there is also Karate Jesus. This cracks me up.

Also, here is a funny and informative site about poop: http://smellypoop.com/poop.html

Why put Jesus and poop in the same blog? Why not? If you're not laughing after reading these sites, you're probably dead (or should be).

Later kiddies.

spam in the comments

if you see that I have comments and then see that I have deleted them, it is because they are spam. I don't want spam in my blog, but dammit, they found a way in. Real comments will never be deleted, even they criticize me. Maybe I should sing about the noodles on my back.

story time

A few people have left me some comments on my work, so I thought I would share more writing. I can't share another story because I want people to maybe buy the book (assuming I can find a publisher). However, I wrote an acknowledgements section, so you all can read that:

acknowledgements

I would like to take the time to thank a lot of people. This is like the liner notes on CDs.

Of course, I would like to thank my family members who have encouraged my work over the past years, or at least are aware that I spent some time writing for fun. I love you, Mom. Patrick, shave that soul patch. Hey Pops.

My friends have been there too. Little do you all know how much you have impacted my life and how some of these stories could not exist without you. Thank you. I have some specific thank you’s, but please do not feel bad if I didn’t mention you by name. No sleight is meant. Thanks to Mr. Joe Morgan, my teacher and my advisor for all of his input in crafting my stories and encouraging my work. Hydro – 100% friend through and through – I owe you much, so I will offer you some royalties and a free copy of the book. Thanks to Ty – another superstar – if you need a web designer, contact ty@orangepiranha.com - he’s awesome. KJWood34, Phatsrfr, and Zeta Jill. My first roommate ever, TJ and his husband (ya, he’s a homo, so get over it). And then there is 705 South Franklin – you know who you are.

I would also like to Weyerhauser, Inc. for making such kick-ass paper that I used to print drafts of this book on. Oh, and the U.S. Postal Service because how would I have ever gotten this book to a publisher.

Whoever you may be in that list, you are all the best and I couldn’t be where I am without you. Sounds like an academy awards speech, doesn’t it?

I always loved reading acknowledgements in books; they are little windows into someone’s mind. It also makes you wonder who influenced the author during the book writing process. But you also know there is that one author out there who is waiting to write: “I thank no one. I did it all myself and none of you people are getting a dime from me once I am rich. Go fuck yourself.”

anger management

Did you ever get so mad one day that you just wanted to punch everyone you see? The old lady in front of you who is going 20 mph below the posted speed limit? The bagger at the grocery store who puts the bread in with the soup cans? The next person who asks you something stupid about some problem you are having? Anyone you live with?

Good God, sometimes I think everyone needs a punch in the face. Shit, I probably deserve one at least once a week, if not more. I wish I could pinpoint what set me off today. Maybe it's because it is 20 degrees cooler today than it should be. Maybe it's because I am "definitely still in the running" for a job offer I have been waiting for, but "with HR problems and people's schedules, it may take a couple weeks more." If you need to hire someone, and that person fits the bill well, then hire the goddamn person and put them to work. For fuck's sake, this is not a complex decision.

Anyways, I didn't punch anyone today, even though I clenched my fist about a hundred times. You know why? Cause I can't punch people - they might punch back and they didn't really do anything to me on purpose. They're just stupid. Like me.

That's my story folks, so lump it if you don't like it.

Whoa!?!?!

I got a call yesterday from TJ, my roommate from college. TJ is gay. So what? I can say that now, but at the time, it was not an easy thing for me to accept. I lived in Wheaton, where there is one church for every 10 people. Eventually, TJ became one of my better friends. He lives in California with his husband (no gay marriage questions, just accept the fact that they want to suffer just like every other married person). So, we talk every so often, send Christmas cards, and so on.

What is the point of this blog, and his call for that matter? TJ wanted to let me know that he was coming to visit his family and was going to stop in and visit with me. And, he is bringing his baby son. WHOA!?!?!?! Forget the logistics of how - he has a good friend who is the mommy. I just am happy that he is doing what he wants. Is it a little much for me to take? A little, but who cares. Will his child face a lot of questions? I hope by that time people will have learned to mellow or learned to shut the fuck up. Will his child be loved? God yes, TJ and Brian will be better dads than a lot of dads I know. But they named the boy Aaron - that's kind of a neutral name to me - blah.

Random Thoughts

So, I was thinking of random thoughts and I figured this might be the post that you guys can add comments too. Try to keep it clean if you do. And now - random thoughts:

The Lorax just might come back.
The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series before I die.
Miller Lite is so much better than Budweiser.
Jesus was right, seriously.
Women are like calculus, but just try and figure out their curves.
What if we didn’t have the moon?
What if we had two moons?
Stale goat piss is probably better than Budweiser, too.
Have you ever played Mysteries of Time and Space?
Mata is my good luck charm.
You can actually play Kingdom Hearts for days at a time.
Facebook and MySpace are not addictive, I swear.
Ketchup really can go on hot dogs, so stuff it New Yorkers.
It’s ketchup, not catsup.
It’s pop, not soda.
Even with the hot girls, Fanta still sounds like generic pop.
Dogs are cool, very few cats are.
I never stole a ring pop for my fifth grade girlfriend.
It was a candy necklace.
The enemy of my enemy just might want to be my enemy too.
If you work nights at K-Mart, management might be out to screw you.
Try singing karaoke once in your life.
Trust your friends, but make sure you know whom they are.
I am not politically correct.
Midgets are funny.
Spare a dollar for someone once in while – you might need one too.
Books are hard to write.

Kappa

So I have a buddy who got a job at a strip club. No, he is not stripping. He makes sure the girls don't get harassed. Great job, don't you think? Well, my other buddy went to visit this strip club and met one of the dancers. She was very nice to him and treated him well. He put an away message up - "I just met my future wife - at Kappa." Now, fortunately, my buddy is realistic and his away message is a joke. But he, like all of us, probably holds on to the slim notion that maybe, just maybe, this stripper is different and she wants us. I mean, strippers always talk about having boyfriends. They have to meet these boyfriends somewhere. So I say - hold on to that dream because when I think about love, I always think of strippers.

Business is weird

So, for the second time in as many months, I received notice from Cingular Wireless that the balance on my old account is a credit in the amount of 24 cents. WTF? It has cost them, printing costs excluded, 74 cents to tell me that they owe me 24 cents. I have a new account with Cingular, under the same name and address. Why can't they just transfer that 24 cents over? I will tell you why. Because American businesses are irrational and they do things completely contrary to logic. Like lay off thousands of workers while paying CEOs millions of dollars to run the company into the ground, thus requiring them to lay off more workers. When I hire a plumber to fix stuff and he fucks up my toilet, I don't give him thousands of dollars more and ask him to try again. I fire that moron and get a better guy. Logic is a good thing to use at times, but business doesn't get it. If you don't believe me, ask yourself why the gasoline in the storage tanks at a gas station suddenly becomes more expensive the very second a natural disaster hits or a major holiday is coming. Yep, supply and demand is their excuse. But in the world of economics, price responds to supply and demand, but not in nanoseconds. Gotta go - the CEO is calling me.

Poet and a Prophet

Whew. What a weekend - if there was a time for me to fuck things up with my friends, only I would choose to do it on my birthday, where my friends were all there for me. As I mentioned earlier, I have been writing short stories in an attempt to channel my talents (hahaha) into something more creative. I also have tried to write poems. Poems, to me, are different than stories. (Insert "Duh" here). In a story you have set scenes and create characters and give them a reason to be. Poems are more personal and usually a deeper reflection of the author's own being. So, I again tried my hand at poetry, which is something I have not done since high school.

versus

It’s dark and it's cold and I see an empty soul
When I look at the mirror on the wall
And the light that I need dances just out of my reach
Words are not enough to break my fall

 Quiet and alone as I pull into my home
Throw the keys aside and pour a drink
Swigging down rum and coke and take another toke
Clear my mind so I can sit and think

Nothing left for me to say so I turn and walk away
Close my fist and I punch out the light
The wind can hide my pain as I look into the rain
Put myself to sleep, good night

Crazy Game of Poker

(a short story by me)

Becky Johnson is the prettiest girl at Winfield North High School. She, of course, was the Homecoming Queen, a cheerleader (and co-captain to boot), and treasurer of the senior class. All to be expected from a girl who has everything going for her. Quite oddly enough, she was not happy. She was doing what was expected; however sad, lonely, or just plain empty she felt. Becky's mom always told her that she expected nothing but the best from her daughter.

"Becky, we have to plan a dynamite new cheer for Pack The Place Night," chimed Amy, co-captain of the cheerleading squad, gushing with excitement for the upcoming basketball game.

"Yeah, I am so hoping that Billy Stevens sees me this time," said Tina, another cheerleader, who had a crush on Billy, the starting forward for the basketball team.

"Yeah, sure. We can meet after the student council meeting," replied Becky emptily.

"Great," said Amy and Tina in cheery unison.

They wandered off to their respective classes as the tardy bell rang. Becky slumped into her seat in Spanish class.

"Buenos tardes clase," said Senor Pollock.

"Hola profesor," the class responded in unison.

"Señorita Johnson, cómo estás," inquired Señor Pollock.

"Muy bien, señor," she replied with fake sincerity.

"Bueno. Clase, hoy, nosotros estudiamos el vocabulario de capítulo trés," explained Señor Pollock, as Becky drifted off to sleep.

Becky's dreams were her refuge from what she considered the job of popularity. Lately, however, her daydreams were the place where she met with Danny, Emily, and Sue. To Becky, they were just daydream characters with whom she shared her thoughts and feelings. An outsider might think Becky had gone off her rocker.

"So sweetness, what's new at Winfield West? Did we make the world safe for popularity," asked Danny.

"Danny, why are you such a dick? Becky has a lot of things on her mind and we're supposed to listen and help her out," Emily retorted.

"Or are we supposed to pat her on the head while we're stuck in here until she visits," sneered Sue.

"Guys, my life is tough enough out there. I just want to get away from it all for a while. Can we play cards," Becky sighed.

"Cards with tards. Sounds like a blast," said Danny.

The four of them sat a white table. Becky sat in the clear chair, Danny in the black, Sue in the candy apple red, and Emily in the baby blue. Danny dealt the cards; it was clear that poker was the game.

"Let's up the stakes today," said Sue, "whoever wins this hand gets out of this dream world for a while."

"What a great idea," said Danny in a slow and sinister manner.

"No, that is not what we are here for," reminded Emily.

"Yeah, I don't think that is a good idea," said Becky.

"Well, I don't care what you think. I can leave if you'd like and you can whimper about how hard your life is to Emily," replied Sue.

After some taunting by Danny and Sue, Becky relented to this unusual bet. Seven card stud was Danny's game of choice. As Sue revealed her ace-high full house to win the hand, the class bell brought Becky back from the daydream.

"That was a crazy game of poker," thought Sue as she realized she was in Becky's class.

"Becky, sleep much in class," chuckled Amy.

"Cheat on your boyfriend much at work," replied Becky, right in front of Amy's boyfriend Mike.

"Oh my God," thought Becky as she heard what Sue said with her mouth.

"Stop whining Becky," said Sue internally.

Sue went through the rest of the school day as Becky, including cheerleading practice. Becky was trying her hardest to get Sue to fall asleep. Sue struck a match to light the cigarette she bummed from Jason Blumenthal, the guy Sue always wanted Becky to date. Jason was hardly the right fit for the popular crowd with his army surplus overcoat and black hiking boots.

"Becky, you're smoking. If Coach Kamholtz sees you, you'll get suspended," reprimanded Tina.

"Thanks Tina. Why don't you go suck up to Coach right now, 'cause I'm kinda busy," suggested Becky.

"Becky, what's gotten into you," asked Maria, another member of the squad.

"Oh nothing, just enjoying a little freedom," Becky replied.

Cheerleading was not something Sue ever wanted to do. Neither did Danny, but then again, life sucks being the only male personality in a female body. When "Becky" finally got finished with all the activities at school, she had to go home and finish her homework. Sue handled Spanish with ease, but U.S. History was making her eyes droop. When she woke up, she saw the familiar table and chairs, with Becky, Danny, and Emily waiting to play a few hands.

"What did you do," asked Becky. "If my friends don't kill me tomorrow, they certainly won't speak to me."

"Quit bitching Becky. If you stopped complaining, you might notice how good you got it," shouted Danny.

"Yeah," said Sue, amazed at her agreement with Danny.

"I don't really want to play poker tonight," said Emily.

"Too bad," smiled Danny, "hand's been dealt."

They played 3-2-1, a kind of five card draw where the lowest card in the hand at the end of the game was each player's individual wild card. Becky thought she had the winning hand, the "3" was her wild card and she had a royal flush. Danny smiled as he laid down five aces.

When Becky woke up the next morning, Danny was at the helm. Being a guy personality, he smiled with horny pleasure when he saw Becky’s breasts in the mirror. He fondled her breasts while he showered.

"Um, you can stop that any time," shouted Becky from inside her head.

"I could, but why would I," Danny said laughing.

"This is going to be fun," thought Danny to himself, er herself.

Danny put on Becky's jeans and an Abercrombie sweatshirt. He pulled her hair back into a ponytail and stuffed it under a baseball cap. No make up today. All eyes were on her as she entered the school.

"Becky, is that you," asked Billy Stevens.

"Sure thing bro," Becky replied.

She moved in and kissed Billy right in front of Tina. However, kissing Billy did not feel right. So, Becky moved over to Tina and kissed her. Quite a passionate kiss and "Becky" decided to fondle Tina's breasts, having explored her own in the shower this morning. Billy and the other guys on the basketball team stood there in shock. Becky smiled as she walked off to chemistry class.

"Everyone is talking about your little show this morning in the Senior Commons," said Julie, a fellow cheerleader, as she put her lab equipment away

"Jealous that I didn't kiss you," said Becky sweetly. "I mean, I know how much you like playing for both teams."

"That was a one time thing and you said it didn't bother you," replied Julie.

"Didn't bother me, but it sure seems to bother you," Becky retorted. "See you at practice."

Gym class was the highlight of Danny's day as Becky. He was like a kid in a candy store and no male appendages to draw attention to his visual stimulation. After school, Tina, Julie, and Amy didn't say a word during practice and Becky enjoyed throwing her fellow cheerleaders in the air for the new Pack the Place Night cheer. She went home exhausted and fell asleep after finishing her biology homework.

"Ahhh. You women have the life," said Danny as he pulled up his black chair to the table. "I think I'll win again tonight."

"No more betting." said Becky. "You guys are ruining my life."

"You're not happy popular. You're not happy when we give you a rest. You're not happy with anything," Sue responded. "By the way Danny, nice move with Billy and Tina today."

"Yeah, and thanks for making Julie totally freaked out today," added Becky.

"Just relax. I was having some fun," said Danny.

"Let's play some cards," said Emily to shock of the other three. "Somebody's gonna have to put things right."

"Well, how 'bout some strip poker tonight," suggested Danny.

"I think you've seen enough boobs today," Becky retorted.

"Oh yeah," said Danny smiling.

Emily dealt the cards for Baseball, another odd poker game that would take to long to explain. The cards fell in Emily's favor and she won Becky's body for the day.

"Don't worry Becky, I'll fix things," explained Emily.

"Just have a normal day, please," begged Becky.

Becky woke this morning under Emily's control. Emily found a baby blue sundress and some white sneakers. She made breakfast for her parents and they talked about all sorts of things. Her parents were stunned because Becky usually rushed to school to slug down a Slimfast in the cafeteria with her friends.

"Hey guys," said Becky to her friends and teammates sitting in the Commons.

"Um, hi," said Amy. "Do you need something?"

"No, I just wanted to apologize for the last couple days. Things have been so hectic that I just don't know where my head was at," explained Becky.

"Or your mouth," said Tina.

"I'm really sorry," said Becky, "I don't know what I was thinking."

"Well maybe you should think about the Pack the Place game and how we have a reputation to uphold," said Amy as she gathered her books and left.

"This is going to be tough," thought Emily.

"No doubt," shouted Becky from the white table.

"Becky" wandered through the rest of her day, trying to make amends for Danny and Sue's behavior. Most people just ignored Becky's behavior - she was the most popular girl in school, after all. Even Amy, Julie, and Tina were coming around after relentless pursuit by Emily "Becky." Billy Stevens and Jason Blumenthal couldn't wait to talk to Becky and they cornered her at the same time.

"Uh Becky, could I talk to you," asked Jason.

"Sure Jason," said Becky, as Billy ran up behind her and hugged her.

"But if you're busy, I could come back," replied Jason.

"Naw dude, chill for a minute. I just gotta ask Becky a question," said Billy.

"Oh no," thought Emily.

"Becky, I was thinking we should go out to a movie Friday night, ok," suggested Billy. Jason's eyes sank deeper into his head.

"Um sure," said Becky. Emily did not know if Becky wanted to do this. Billy ran off with the rest of his teammates. Jason, too, began to walk away.

"Jason wait," called Becky.

"Nah, it's ok," said Jason dejectedly.

"Jason, do you wanna go out for a smoke after school," asked Becky. Emily didn't smoke, but she figured she could smooth over Jason's ego if Becky shared a cigarette with him.

"Cool," said Jason with a small smile.

Emily got home and couldn't wait to get out of Becky's body. She took a nap as soon as she walked into her house. Nobody was waiting at the table. Emily was confused, but Sue and Becky walked in from opposite directions.

"Where's Danny," asked Emily.

"He's looking at my lockerroom memories," said Becky as she shook her head. "How did the day go?"

"Everything is fine," said Emily. "I had a cigarette with Jason after class and we are going to the movies with Billy on Friday."

"Oh shit," said Becky.

"What," asked Sue.

"Tina is in love with Billy. Remember, or were you guys sleeping when Tina told us, I mean, me this," explained Becky.

"Well, he's not my type, but Tina sure is," said Danny, looking quite satisfied.

"No, we're done with you guys taking the reins of my body," said Becky.

"Care to bet on that," Danny inquired.

“No,” Becky shouted.

“C’mon, it’ll be fun,” taunted Danny.

"This is it. If I win, you guys give up on trying my body on for size," said Becky.

"You're on," said Danny and Sue, with Emily looking over their shoulders.

Emily dealt a simple hand of five card stud. After the betting was done, the winning hand was three jacks. The next day, Becky had a cigarette with Jason Blumenthal by bike racks.

writer's block

Okay, so I am trying something new with this blog. I am going to post a short story that I wrote and allow people to comment.